


The Hardest Path to Walk

by CC_Writes



Series: Two Halves of a Whole Idiot (In Space) [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Depression, F/M, Haphephobia, I was dead but I got better, Kylo Ren Redemption, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Previously dead character, Rating May Change, Redeemed Ben Solo, Redemption, Resurrected character, Rose is the only sane person here, Social Anxiety, The Force, Trying to fix what you broke, Two halves of a whole idiot, anger issues, characters to be added as they appear, self deprecating thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-22 05:42:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 28,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22510858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CC_Writes/pseuds/CC_Writes
Summary: All too often when a particularly "evil" person becomes "good" again, the only way for them to be redeemed is for them to die. So, what happens when you try that and death won't have you?A newly awakened Ben Solo must deal with the aftermath of his actions as Kylo Ren; physically, mentally, and socially; struggling to figure out how he can even START to take responsibility or try to fix the damage he's done. How do you right wrongs when no one trusts you? How do you repair what cannot be repaired? How do you deal with the things you've done when you're just as much to blame as you're not? Do you have the right to be happy? Do you even have the right to try?(features a lyrical quote at the beginning of each chapter like a good little 20's pulp)
Relationships: BB-8 & Rey, Ben Solo | Kylo Ren & Rose Tico, Finn & Rey (Star Wars), Poe Dameron & Finn & Rey & Rose Tico, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey & Rose Tico, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: Two Halves of a Whole Idiot (In Space) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1619602
Comments: 12
Kudos: 16





	1. Establishing Baseline Anxiety

**Author's Note:**

> No mystery here, y'all know I have a weakness for real character redemption. <3 It's only shocking that I haven't written something for Star Wars sooner.
> 
> No chapter-specific warnings. 
> 
> Vocab:  
> Kriff/Kriffing - The Star Wars equivalent of "fuck"
> 
> Stars/Whills - Far as I could find there's no equivalent in Star Wars to the phrase "oh my god" so, unless they're specifically religious, regular people say "Stars" and Force users say "Whills" which is a reference to the original title of the film series, “Adventures of Luke Starkiller, As Taken From the Journal of the Whills, Saga 1: The Star Wars” (How's THAT for a title? XD )

  
  
[I've been living all my days in a haze- Falling over boulders in my way

God only knows how I've tried- But let me live the dream

I've all I want- Still I want everything

So can you help me I have lost my way- And I need some answers

Can you fix me- I would like to stay- But I need an answer

So you can let it slip inside your mind- You are the only thing one of a kind

Then you let me take you home again- You are the only one to make me smile...]

\- Lost My Way, Wire Daisies

  
  
  
  


In Ben Solo's humble opinion, the human body had exactly no right to say it was tired after refusing to sleep the night prior. If he had slept it wasn't for long enough to count. Mostly what he'd done was change position, tuck his head under the blanket, and stubbornly keep his eyes closed, lest he did something cliché and stare at the ceiling all night. He was staring at it now but it was day cycle so that didn't count and he'd only started because he'd caught himself staring at the Chrono by his bed, trying to decide if it was late enough to be believable that he'd actually slept... He could blame it on the surrealness of it all. Of waking up on a Resistance ship. 

Of waking up period...

Gingerly he shifted on his almost too small bunk, mindful of his still present injuries. A larger bed would have been nice, but he knew better than to ask, he was lucky to have a room to himself as it was. He'd have made do with a shared space if he'd been put in one but this was preferable, at least he didn't have to endure the glares of the Resistance soldiers here, not that they weren't deserved...but still.

The room itself wasn't terribly large either but that was hardly an issue, it wasn't like he had any belongings to keep in it anyway. Hell, he didn't even have the shirt off his back anymore (not that he'd particularly wanted it) so the slightly cramped quarters suited his needs. Carefully he eased himself down onto the floor and set about doing gentle stretches, trying to ease some of the stiffness that his trying to sleep had left in his recovering muscles. He pressed his thumbs lightly into one of his calves, moving slowly up and down so as not to accidentally cause his leg to seize. This would be easier, he thought grumpily, if his sleep pants actually fit right. They were at least a size too small, too tight and not long enough, which made it difficult to bend his legs to the angles he needed to do this the way he wanted. Though maybe he shouldn't complain. There wasn't too much in terms of extra clothes and very little was probably in his size and anyone who matched him was no doubt rightfully opposed to sharing.

Moving back against the wall, Ben pressed his palms to the floor by his sides and slowly tilted his head from one shoulder to the other to stretch out his neck. In all honesty, if he did have to share a room he wouldn't have minded sharing one with Rey. If she was okay with that of course. With the frantic pace of everything and now this horribly slow recovery period they were both in, they hadn't had a whole lot of opportunities to just talk to one another. They didn't have to be in the same place to do that obviously; their connection was as strong as ever, but there was still a difference, you know? He'd really like just a moment or two to spend with her, even just sitting quietly despite privacy being in short supply here. He felt… a lot of things for her, and knew she felt similarly back, but it was something they should actually talk about wasn’t it? The Force drew them together but they couldn’t just rely on that if they wanted to actually build something from it. If they wanted to… Did they want to? Did Rey want something more now that she’d helped save him? Did _he_ want more or was he just desperate for someone to cling to? 

...Maybe he wouldn’t be as comfortable sharing a space with her as he thought...

With a groan of annoyance, Ben thunked his head lightly against the wall behind him. All he was doing now was just thinking himself into even more of a knot than before. He really did need to get out of here, didn’t he? Before he drove himself crazy. He turned his head to glance at the door, quietly debating on whether or not to leave. That door was the very reason he'd been 'granted' this room in the first place, actually. It was locked. Not by him, but from the outside. He suspected that this had once been a small storage room of some kind. When it had been converted into a living space he could only guess, however it wouldn't have surprised him if it had been when they were debating where to put him. As the locked room's sole occupant it was the closest thing to tossing him in a cell. The only reason he _wasn't,_ was likely entirely thanks to Rey. Save the Galaxy and people tend to go along with your requests, even if they aren’t totally on board with the idea. That was also probably the reason they hadn't just up and executed him-- he'd _technically_ helped. Well, more than just that, he had very much helped, but obviously that wasn't enough to have people just forget what he'd been a part of, what he'd done… and he couldn't blame them for that either.

With a deep sigh, he swung his arms forward, palms out, fingers facing, and pushed them away from himself, arching his upper back forward until he felt the satisfying _pop_ of vertebrae. It felt a little crunchy though...like dried leaves. Crap, he was dehydrated, needed to make sure to get plenty of water or he'd really pay for it later...

He spared the door another look. Should he throw on some clothes and go take care of that now? Maybe get some food too? No, he should shower first He might feel a bit more like a real person if he did, plus Rey would know he hadn't. At the moment, despite currently feeling really unmotivated to do most things, he still very much disliked the idea of disappointing her. A long moment passed and, yes, he decided, after a shower, he'd get something to eat. You would think that that wouldn't be that big of an internal debate but getting food would mean leaving the room and going to the mess hall and that would mean people and, as established, he _really_ didn't want to be around people right now, and they him. Plus, there was the matter of the lock, which was placed there for a reason.

Thankfully, the shower didn’t take long. He'd made do with worse in the past but the jury-rigged space was even more cramped and certainly didn't inspire anything even _remotely_ relaxing, so he sure as hell wasn’t going to stay there any longer than he had to. With that chore out of the way, Ben threw on what now comprised his sole outfit; the basic, baggy, tan, pocketed pants of a civilian repair crew; (flight crew, most crew…) a black, three-quarter sleeve shirt that he hoped wasn’t just too short; and a standard-issue vest. The boots were passable -- not as well made as his old ones -- but they fit so he'd live with it. 

He in no way fidgeted as he ran out of ways to delay himself and looked to the door again. That was it unless he just wanted to go hungry… With a deep breath that really was just another sigh, he approached the door and extended his hand. It took very little effort to coax the locking mechanism open and to slide the door back once he had. He did feel a bit of discomfort if he had to compare it to something he'd say it was similar to the protest of a sore muscle only not something physical. As long as he didn't do anything strenuous, like trying to throw a mountain, he'd be fine and, just like a sore muscle, you wanted to use it a little anyway to keep it from locking up. Same with the Force. Sort of. 

He gave the security camera pointed at his room a polite wave, and, mentally preparing himself for the rant he would no doubt receive from Poe about him "breaking out" of his room...again.

  
  


* * *

The mess hall was, on the whole, exactly what was to be expected, especially on an older repurposed ship like this one. Small, but not overly cramped; tables, chairs, benches, all arranged in whatever way would maximize space. Against the far wall was a long line of tables sporting whatever foodstuffs were available for today. Unfortunately, the room wasn't empty and there was a noticeable, uncomfortable pause in conversation when he entered. After a few awkward moments, it started back up again with a more noticeably sharp edge. Maintaining a facade of having not noticed, Ben made his way to the long tables to scrounge something up. He knew without looking that Rey wasn't here. He resisted the urge to reach out across their connection to find her. She would be along when and if she wanted to, and he'd sworn to himself he wasn't going to abuse their link as he had before. Until he knew what was welcome and what wasn't, he'd let her be the first to make contact. 

The variety of food on offer wasn't terribly vast. Until recently, the Resistance had been almost exclusively relying on field rations. There were still plenty of those, but now that the war was over and their missions had turned towards restoration rather than fighting, fresher things had come trickling in. Ben surveyed what there was. He'd never been a picky eater and cared very little what he ate so long as it was what his body required to sustain itself. Not that there weren't things he favored but even then he just accepted what the Force gave him. That's what he'd been taught — and not just by the Jedi. 

Making a plate should have been quick but he was distracted by the oppressive atmosphere of dislike pressing down on him from all sides. 

He regarded the collection of fresh food-

_Disgusting - Just walking in acting like he has any right - Who let him out? - With how many times we had to go hungry - how many people starved because of - should be him for a change - should have just executed-_

He turned away and snatched up two ration packs-

_Oh, he thinks he's too good for - snobby arrogant - he should be grateful to even get that - monster - just drop him off on a rock somewhere - acting like nothing happened - like he has any right -_

_-and_ another two for lunch, just so he didn't have to come back until dinner. Maybe that was cowardly? Just to prove to himself that he wasn't, he snatched up a canister of water from the table and threw back the whole thing, downing it in a scant few seconds. He secretly enjoyed the wave of confused astonishment from the room's occupants. He grabbed a second one, stowing it in one of his pockets. He was about to make some sort of escape when he was struck with a sudden feeling that he should stay. Oh, Rey was on her way here. If she was letting him know that then did that mean that she wanted to eat with him? Should he grab something for her? Would that not be seen as polite? Come to think of it...what did she even like to eat? 

...Maybe just something to drink then? Probably not plain water. Maybe coffee? Did she drink coffee? Umm… well, just about every Jedi he'd ever met ever drank tea. He drank tea. So then was that a safe bet? 

He grabbed a packet of something that looked like it might taste good and a mug but stopped at the condiments. Did she take sugar? How much? Maybe milk? Just thinking of her personality he was inclined to think she'd favor something sweet. Although that could be completely wrong, after all, _he_ quite liked sweet things, and clearly he didn't come off as the type that would. Maybe he never had. Uncle L- no, _Master Skywalker,_ had referred to it as a child's sense of taste- Ugh! Blast all of that second-guessing! Rey was an adult, she could add whatever she wanted or didn't or who cared! He wasn't going to have an existential crisis about whether or not he knew enough about Rey as a person to know what she liked to eat or if that was good or bad or weird or-!

  
  


In the end, he was sitting at one of the few free tables (way off in a corner because **of** **course** it was) with a steeping cup of tea with absolutely nothing else in it. His ration packs were laid beside it since he'd decided to wait until Rey arrived before eating anything, least he could do to be polite. Not to mention he'd feel even more out of place if he kept sitting here after eating as opposed to sitting here with food and not eating it. Instead, he kept his attention on the mug, doing a simple focus exercise to help block out the other people around him. By using the Force to create micro-vibrations in the cup's contents it wouldn't lose any heat. On the surface, it might not seem very difficult but it was the sort of thing that was actually quite delicate if you weren't careful. Poor focus meant you could reach beyond the liquid and shatter the cup. It was simple but effective and best of all, able to be done without drawing attention.

"Falling asleep?"

Ben raised his head in mild surprise, more so at the playful tone of the comment then who had said it. It worsened when it turned out that said person, Rey, was far closer than he'd expected, leaning down and peering over his shoulder. As a result, they were nearly nose to nose. A mild blush graced her features when he actually jumped and he felt his own face heat up.  
  
Rey awkwardly cleared her throat, "You look like you're about to fall asleep," she reiterated, "or is your drink that interesting?"   
  
She was dressed much as she had been the last time he’d seen her; the same white tunic and pants; the same long strip of thin cloth wrapped around her, who’s ends shifted and flustered with her movements. It was like they were an extension of her mood. It suited her. Did make him wonder though if like him she only had the one outfit? Perhaps it was simply a personal preference? Oh- her hair was different today, simpler than normal, top layer pulled back into a ponytail, the rest down. Was it weird to say he liked it that way? Should he compliment her? Tell her it was fetching?   
  
Rey raised an eyebrow and he abruptly realized he’d been staring.

Ben coughed and tried to save face, "No, I'm fine. I just don't believe in mornings, it's all a lie created by the Jedi to punish their apprentices. I'm simply fighting back against their tyranny."

Rey gasped in faux horror, "Sounds like a noble cause, you're so brave!"

"Yes, yes I am," he replied flatly, "also this is yours," he gestured to the mug. 

That earned him a soft smile from her, "And this is yours," she said, holding up a plate. Seemed she'd had two and he hadn't even noticed.

Ben opened his mouth in protest but she was already taking a seat across from him, drawing her mug toward her without much effort.

"You didn't have to-" he began but stopped when she shot him an exasperated look.

"Yes I did," she said, "You can't live off of ration packets."

"Well, technically you can."

She gave him a scathing look that reminded him so much of the ones his mother would give him when he was about to get in trouble as a child. He immediately shut up, "You know what I mean," her expression softened to one of concern, "I know you're not fully recovered yet and it's not good for you to avoid eating a proper meal."

"I'm not trying to," he said quietly, "things are in short supply and there's probably plenty of people who deserve-" he trailed off, suddenly feeling like he was about to cross into a discussion he wasn't ready to have yet, "I just figured this was easier." He finished, close enough to the start of the truth to not be a lie.

Rey sighed, "I understand." He had no doubt that she did. Even without the bond between them, she'd know what he meant, "But, that's why I'm still going to get on your case about it. Someone should and I'm volunteering."

He huffed a quiet laugh, "Guess I should do what you say then, I've seen how determined you can be."

"Smart move."

He looked down at the plate she'd brought him. To say it was packed to capacity was an understatement, there was probably a hefty portion of just about everything that had been on offer. "Don't you think this might be too much though?" he asked, feeling torn even as he said it. Now that he'd had a good look — now that he could _smell_ it — he felt a sudden impulse to shovel it all down. Why hadn't he realized he was so _hungry_?

"It's not," Rey assured him, "I noticed how much hungrier I’ve been these last couple of weeks. I’m eating a lot more than normal and I'm recovering faster too. I think it's connected — not that anyone believes me," She popped an entire slice of bread in her mouth, eating it before continuing, "Don't think I haven't been able to feel that the same thing is happening to you. You're still hungry and you don’t eat anything extra. It’s a bit annoying that you’re ignoring it."

Ouch. Well, now that she'd brought it up…

"At least one of us noticed," he conceded, finally giving in and picking up his fork, digging into some kind of fruit that looked particularly good, "I guess I just had other things on my mind. You're right about it being related to our recovery though, our bodies are working overtime. Not all of the injuries we have are physical and some should have-" uh, let's not go there yet, "We're drawing strength from the Force even if we're not consciously trying to. It's why we're not bedridden." Of course, she probably already knew that. She was a full-fledged Jedi, not an apprentice, though the circumstances of her training were a bit different. He shoved another chunk of fruit in his mouth to keep himself from rambling further.

Rey hummed, pushing some mix of egg and diced vegetables around on her plate, "We were really lucky, weren't we?" Several seconds of awkward heavy silence passed between them and Ben mentally kicked himself for not being able to think of anything to break it, "What kind of tea is this anyway?" She asked, lifting her mug to sniff it, "It smells a little… it's hard to describe... spicy? But not really? And not in a hot way, and a bit, almost fatty?"

Ben shrugged, "I'm not sure, I just picked what I thought seemed good? It smells okay at least."

Rey took a sip, "That's not bad actually! It is a little oily, but it's not unpleasant. I can't place the flavor but it reminds me of how Rose described cake."

"You've never eaten a cake?"

"No, there weren't any luxuries like that on Jakku and I haven’t had a chance to try many new things until now."

"Ah," Ben looked down at his plate, "I'm sorry."

Rey lightly tapped his foot with hers, "Don't be. There wasn't anything you could do about it. Everything's fine now so don't worry."

Easier said than done…

"Have you tried this?" She asked, holding the mug out to him.

"No,"

She tilted it more towards him. "Try it," she insisted.

Hesitantly Ben took it, uncertain as to why he suddenly felt embarrassed. It was just tea… He took a small sip before passing it back, "That is good." Personally he thought it could use some sugar though.

"Good!" Rey declared, "Then next time you'll get yourself some too, right?"

Ah, so that was her game. Ben grumbled, "Fine, I will. You really were serious about getting on my case. You think I'm just making excuses."

"Because you are," she countered, matter-of-fact and smug, "That's why you'll be joining me for lunch, and dinner too until I can trust you to eat real food."

"Challenge accepted." 

She gave him a swift kick under the table and he couldn’t help but grin into his next bite of bread. At least he knew it was still easy to rile her up. They were being too noisy though and were starting to attract even more cold stares and ugly whispers, which had been steadily rising in volume and frequency since Rey had sat down with him. He'd been doing his best to ignore them, indifferent on the exterior, despite being far from it on the inside. On the other hand, Rey's displeasure was painfully obvious, she was trying to hide it too but she'd never had to hide it to the extent he had. That wasn't him putting her down, of course. That, he thought, was a good thing. Her outrage at anything she saw as an injustice, even for someone like him, was something about her that he admired.

"Hurry up and finish, we still have to go to medical before they get mad and send someone to find you again." Rey groused, doing her best to hide the source of her irritation, "I don't know why they act like I'm your keeper."

Ben raised an eyebrow, "Oh? Could have fooled me. I thought you’d volunteered?”

Rey huffed, "That’s hardly the same thing."

  
  
“Well, we could always just not go?” Hoping against hope with that but it was still worth a try.

  
  
“Absolutely not. You’re going and I’m going. Even if I don’t _need_ to.”

"Uh-huh…"

"It's true! I'm still getting my strength back but aside from that I'm fine. There's nothing else they can do other than poke and prod and somehow be _mad at me_ for getting better!"

"That's the same reason I don't want to go but you're still making me." Ben pointed out.

"That's different!"

"It's really not."

"It is!" Rey protested, "Your injuries were much worse than mine, of course, you need to be checked on!"

Ben rolled his eyes, pushing his cleared plate away from him, “I’m fine.”

  
  
“You’re not,” the way she said it made his chest tighten, “Just… I don’t know, do this for me? Please?”

  
  
“I’m sorry,” He apologized softly, “I will, I’m just feeling cooped up I guess,” not that he had the right to complain, “I don’t like just sitting around not doing anything.”

  
  
Rey smiled, reaching the small way across the table to take his hand, giving it a squeeze that made him feel centered in the world again, “Me either. I keep asking for things to do but no one will let me. It’s like they’re afraid I’m going to fall apart like I’m some kind of liability.” She laughed, trying to lighten the mood, “I’m starting to get desperate! Poe’s busy with a lot of new responsibilities and can't talk to me. Finn’s been helping deliver supplies to recovering worlds and when he’s here he just fusses over me and won’t let me do anything. Rose has been so busy doing repair work on what I swear is every ship in the fleet! I don’t think I’ve even _seen_ her, let alone had the chance to talk to her. I’m tempted to track her down and harass her until she lets me help!”

  
  
“I’m tempted to help you,” Ben grumbled, “Not sure what I’d do exactly but I’m probably still at least a little intimidating.”   
  


"Oh, goodness don’t do that!" Rey half laughed, getting to her feet and grabbing her empty plate, "Actually you haven't had a chance to meet her yet, have you?” she mused, “I'll introduce you to her later if I can get her out of the ship's internals for five minutes. I'm sure she'll like you!"

Yeah, he doubted that very much. Rising to his feet Ben grabbed his own plate, "Come on, let's get this over with."

  
  


* * *

  
  


One medical bay was like any other and Ben hated them all. He had never liked being stuck in the medical wing of anything. Doctor's offices, hospitals, medical bays on starships, he despised them, they always felt so... suffocating. With pristine, white walls, the smell of antiseptics and disinfectants, it really was unsettling how it could be so eerily quiet one moment only for the slightest sounds to clamor in your ears the next; the pings and beeps of equipment and occasionally the groans of pain from severely ill or injured patients, or worse, from the family who had lost them. It was magnified a thousandfold if you were force-sensitive, what with the suffering and death clinging to places even after those who'd been there were gone, along with the feelings of those left behind. So many people died in places like this that it all stuck to the room like tar. No, nothing good ever came from going there. He'd braced himself before entering specifically for that reason. It was hard, feeling all those echoes around him of all the Resistance members who had been here. Knowing that he bore at least partial responsibility for them all.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Rey repress a shudder. 

_I don't like this,_ her thoughts were crystal clear, _it feels so cold. I want to leave as soon as possible._

_Agreed._

Rey was quickly approached by one of the few non-droid staff, a warm green, Twi'lek woman, all smiles and kind bedside manner, “Good to see you, Rey, you're looking well. Shall we get started?” 

The doctor whisked Rey away and the young woman was only able to give him a glance of mild distress before she vanished behind a privacy curtain. He, on the other hand, was all but ignored, which suited him fine honestly, it was easier to just be looked over by a medical droid who had no real opinion of you one way or another, or at least didn't talk to you like they cared while projecting feelings of hate and disgust. 

One such droid greeted him plainly when he approached, sequestering him behind a curtain as well.

"If you would remove your outer garments we can proceed with your examination," she intoned in what has probably supposed to be a soothing voice, "While you are doing so please answer the following questions. When you are ready."

Ben sighed and pulled off his vest, tossing it onto the exam table before leaning down to unlace his boots, "Go ahead."

"Very well," the droid replied, raising her list of questions, "Are you having any difficulty ingesting food or fluids?"

"No,"

"Are you having any trouble expelling food or fluids after your species' digestion process?" 

Ben made a small noise of embarrassment at the nature of the question, "No, I have not."

"Are you having difficulty with movement or range of motion?" 

"No."

"Are you having any impediment to sexual stimulation or any similar activities?" OH GOOD!

By all that was holy in the universe he wanted to just disintegrate right then and there, "I… don’t see why that’s important."

The droid made some sort of note next to that awkward question and continued on without missing a beat, "You reported continued pain and discomfort during your last exam. Has it persisted?" 

"Yes," he admitted. There was no point in hiding it; not only would scans show the strain, but he'd be jeopardizing his already precarious standing with Rey and her friends (if they even cared) should he lie.

The droid made another note, "You previously rated it at three. On a scale of one through ten, how would you rate your pain now?"

"Between two and three. It's at its worst if I haven't moved for a while."

"Understood," the droid regarded him as he sat on the exam table, now clad in only socks and undergarments, his other clothes set aside, "you declined painkillers before, is this still the case?"

Ben nodded, "Yes, I don't want any."

"Very well. Lastly, is there anything you are concerned about or any changes you wish to note?"

"No."

Setting aside the medical file the droid moved into his personal space, "I will now begin the medical examination, please do not hesitate to ask any questions that may come to mind or report any sudden discomfort."

Ben nodded again but he was already tuning out, sooner this was over the better.

  
  
It had been some time since Palatine's death and… his own, but a good deal of the damage was still there, healing slowly. He'd been unconscious for the most severe parts of his recovery so had been spared experiencing it. Rey, only a little better off than he'd been — in that she hadn't been strapped to a bed — had explained his injuries as best she could. Really, the medical staff should have done it but they had been busy treating other people and, even if he wasn't force-sensitive, he still felt their intense distrust and dislike weighing down the room. Couldn't blame them though… 

Rey had hesitantly given him a concerningly long list when he'd asked. The broken bones: legs, arms, ribs, hip? Those he'd figured. He'd felt them clearly enough but the list of fractures was even longer: several fingers, wrist and ankle joints, multiple spinal fractures, one on the back of his skull, and one on his left occipital that had been dangerously close to blinding him. She didn't bother to try and list the bruising, only to say that it wasn't just skin and muscles but some internal organs too. She'd stumbled a bit on the last part and he soon understood why. The neurological damage on both of them had been, well... the doctor had said "catastrophic" and Rey told him that the best she'd been able to understand was that it would have been the equivalent to completely frying every circuit in a droid’s body…

The way she fiddled uneasily with her hands when she told him made it clear and he'd struggled to move his own to take one of hers. Anyone with that level of damage shouldn't be alive at all much less moving around or speaking coherently. In a cracked and weak voice that had startled him to hear come from his own lips, he'd quietly consoled her. It didn't need to be said — they weren't stupid — they had both died, he had revived Rey and had seemingly been rejected by death he’d taken from her. The only reason they both weren't bedridden at best, or brain-dead at worst, was totally a result of their connection to the Force. It was allowing their bodies to slowly fix the otherwise irreparable damage and continue to function while doing so, almost out of sheer stubbornness. 

He remembered her smiling a little when he'd attempted a joke, "space magic" he'd said.

So they were alive beyond all conventional logic. Still, he was bothered by the gaps in his memory. Flashes of people and things, lights that were too bright, images blurred through a bacta tank, incoherent whispers, a barrage of muddled emotions sporadically confusing to the point that he couldn't tell if they were his own or not, and of course terrible pain. He'd blacked out a lot, that much he was sure of and, all things considered, it made sense. Nonetheless, it was a bit unsettling. He really didn't like being unconscious. What bothered him the _most_ though was the time before that, what had happened between his... death, and his ultimately waking up here.

He remembered... climbing the cliff, all but crawling to Rey while struggling with the agony of her being gone, pleading for her to come back, realizing what he had to do to revive her... he remembered the euphoria when he'd felt her hand on his, life in her eyes again…she'd kissed him and he'd held her so tight, it was easily the happiest he'd been in a long time. Even now he treasured that memory. After that, he remembered... feeling peaceful as his own life slipped away and he'd fallen into quiet darkness. After that… it was all fragmented. He remembered his mother speaking to him and the things she'd said. All else was a mess, distorted and fragmented, with the experience somehow feeling both longer and shorter than he felt it should have been. 

He had tried meditating on it a few times but each attempt had left him with the same clattering of images and a splitting headache. Unfortunately, it seemed that for now at least he had no other option than to just trust that he would gain some insight once the Force deemed him ready.

Patience had never really been his strong suit though, had it? He supposed that meant it was time to learn, whether he liked it or not…

  
  


"Your physical examination is complete," the medical droid intoned, breaking Ben from his thoughts, "I will now tell you my findings."

"Please do," hopefully whatever the results were they would be good enough to convince Rey that he wasn't in any danger so she wouldn't be so worried about him…

"I am pleased to note that the last signs of all breaks and fractures to your skeletal structure are gone. Your internal bruising shows over 98.75% recovery. You are in no danger from them, however, I must advise that you refrain from anything stressful or any such activities that may result in significant amounts of force being applied to your body. There is still mild bruising present in over seventy percent of your muscular system. It is recommended that you avoid strenuous activities or lifting heavy amounts of weight, especially over your head. It is also recommended that you perform occasional stretches to stimulate blood flow to encourage recovery. You may find additional relief in the use of warm baths or showers, hot compresses, or massages to affected areas." She paused a moment, tilting her head in the jerky manner droids usually displayed when they were processing a particularly puzzling problem, "The strain and damage present in your nervous system appears to be healing at a more increased rate since your previous exam. Unfortunately, I am unable to provide any advisement regarding homecare for this injury other than continued rest."

Ben sighed, "So I've been told…"

The medical droid visibly reset her optical receptors, "I do have one final set of questions,"

Oh, here we go…

"I know that you expressed aversion to answering before but I am afraid I must ask them again. It is standard protocol after all."

Ben waved her on with a tired exhale, already reaching for his clothes.

"Have you been experiencing any feelings of depression or anxiety?"

"I decline to answer."

"Noted. Are you having a difficult time finding happiness in things that previously brought you joy?"

As though that was even a fair question considering his circumstances, "I decline to answer,"

"Noted. Finally, would you be interested in speaking to a psychological specialist?"

"No." Ben finished flatly, adjusting his vest, "Are we finished?"

"The exam is complete," the droid confirmed, "I will schedule you for another follow-up. If you have any issues before then, please don't hesitate-"

He ignored her, making a beeline for the door before she was even finished speaking.

“Oh... goodbye.”

  
  
  
  


Rey was already waiting.

"So I just got a - Hey, is everything alright?" She asked, matching his stride as they walked away.

"Yeah," he answered, "nothing new. Same thing as before. Rest."

"Ugh, feels like that's all we've done," she grumbled, "that's not all that's bothering you though, is it?"

Ben paused in the hallway, gathering himself, taking a moment to exhale slowly, "I'm tired of them asking if I want to talk to someone." He said finally.

"They ask everyone that though, don't they?"

"They do. It just feels like there's more pressure behind it when they ask me. I've already said I don't want to."

He felt Rey's gentle hand on his arm, "Maybe at some point, you should?"

Her expression was one of concern and it hurt to know it was over him. "No," he told her quietly, "for several reasons but mostly… I already have everyone looking at me like I'm defective, just broken goods they can't wait to find a reason to space." He covered her hand with his own, squeezing softly in way of apology, "anyone I talk to wouldn't be any different. No matter how big a smile they wore I could feel their animosity, I'd know it was all fake."

"I…" Rey tried, "I'm sorry."

"Don’t be. Can't do anything about it and it's not odd or unreasonable that they all feel that way."

She sighed, "I suppose. It doesn't mean I like it though." The young woman was quiet for a moment, her gaze falling away before returning to his beseechingly, "If you ever do want to talk about anything at all you can come to talk to me. It doesn’t matter what it is. You’re not alone anymore."

It was when she said things like that, with such pure sincerity, that something welled up in him and he felt like he couldn't breathe. His throat tightened and he felt a stinging in his eyes that he quickly blinked away. Just these simple acts of kindness made him feel so fragile. He struggled not to feel humiliated.

He swallowed hard and worried at his bottom lip, eventually managing to choke out, "Thank you. That means a lot to me. I don't know when exactly I'll be able to but I can't think of anyone I'd rather it be." And that was completely true.

There was something sad in Rey's eyes even though she smiled, "I'm glad," a few moments passed and her expression turned a little guilty, "I’m sorry to do this but I have to go, Poe wants to see me."

Ah, right, his little self-pity crisis had cut her off before she’d had a chance to say anything, hadn’t it? "No, that’s completely fine. Do you know what it’s about?"

"Something about Finn I think. He's due back from his mission any time now."

"I see."

"Whills, I feel like I'm bailing on you."

"Don't. It's alright," Ben gave her a reassuring smile, "Go see your friends."

Rey hesitated, her hand slipping down his arm until just the tips of their fingers touched, "I want them to be your friends too…"

"I know," he said softly.

"Promise me you won't go back to your room,” She added, slowly backing away but reluctant to part, "I know you hate it, and there’s nothing to do there. Just go for a walk or, I don't know, _something!_ Anything that isn't just sitting there staring at the wall…"

"I'm promising a lot of things today."

"Because I know you'll do them if you promise, right?"

"Right."

Finally, she let her hand fall away from his and then she was gone.

  
  


* * *

  
  


While Ben fully intended to do what Rey had asked it was much easier said than done. He did his best to remain as unremarkable as possible (and wouldn’t that be a miracle) whenever he walked through the halls, but hardly helped. He wasn't sure how many, if any, people were even left who didn't know what he looked like. According to Rey, it had been quite a shock when medical had realized who he was. Thankfully he’d been unconscious for that part… So either she didn't quite understand this situation here (which he very much doubted, she was ignorant of a lot of things but she wasn't stupid) or, more likely, she was willfully ignoring it. At the very least hoping that if she was stubbornly passive-aggressive about it long enough that everyone would just give up and be nice.

That wasn't how things worked though. He wasn't anyone's potential new friend, he wasn't a new recruit getting to know the place. He was a prisoner, plain and simple. Again, he likely wasn't in a cell because of Rey but if they did try to put him in one they knew they couldn't force him in or even keep him there. He wouldn't hurt any of them but they didn't believe that for an instant. Neither would he if he were them. Honestly, things would probably be easier if he actually was in jail… but he wasn't, so he got to wander around a ship where no one wanted anything to do with him. It was just like being in the First Order only with more hate and less fear. Basically a ship full of Hux’s. Mostly, people just stared at him, their feelings wafting his way like a bad smell. Some of them would try to follow him at a distance like amateur spies, as though he didn't know exactly where they were even with his eyes shut. Occasionally someone actually worked up the nerve to approach him and try to shoo him away from an area that he wasn't supposed to be in, which seemed to change with the proverbial wind. Really he suspected that aside from his "room,” the mess hall, medical bay, and general hallways, he wasn't actually _allowed_ anywhere.

Very, _very_ rarely (in that it had happened a total of two times) someone had confronted him directly. Shouting or screaming, blaming him for the death of loved ones, which he couldn't deny, or accusing him of scheming up some plot to kill them all, which wasn't true but it wasn't like they would believe him. In both cases, he'd said nothing. He was very fortunate that as of yet no one had actually tried to take a swing at him. Whenever that inevitably happened he would only have two choices and he hated both. Either he defended himself, which would no doubt be seen as him being violent even if all he did was disarm or restrain them, or he let them hit him which would make Rey upset and only make things harder for her and, though slim, there was a chance it might actually kill him if it was a significant enough blow. Being strong with the Force meant he could do a lot of things and survive some things that would kill other people but he wasn't invincible and having his head beaten in with a pipe or being shot would certainly kill him.

But, he had made a promise and he was on a bit of a crusade to actually _keep_ those now, so wander the halls he did, like a big weird specter, trying to think of anything he could actually do. He'd already spent a handful of minutes staring out the window into the blackness of space trying to maybe feel anything close to awe at the vastness of it. There had been a time when he was little where that would have been the case, where he would have been happy and contented to watch the numerous celestial bodies drift by, trying to see which ones he could identify. Not anymore.   
  
Something did stir his interest when he walked by the windows overlooking one of the docking bays and caught sight of the Millennium Falcon. Nostalgia welled up tight in his chest and he had a sudden and strong desire to go to it like the old ship had called out to him. He quickly quashed the feeling, knowing full well that going down there wasn’t possible. No way he would be allowed even remotely close to it. So he stared at it, right there where he could see it, but likely forever beyond his reach. It was stupid to wish, what would he even _do_ if he could go down there? Just… sit in the cockpit? Was it even the same anymore? From here it seemed to hum with all the time and emotions it's former owner had poured into it, but Ben couldn't imagine that anyone would have kept it as his father had left it. All it was now was something that reminded him of a time he could never have again and he only had himself to blame.

"H-hey," a squeaky stammering voice called out, breaking him from his internal depreciation with an admittedly embarrassing jump. A few feet away, with still enough space to flee, was another man a handful of years younger than himself, dressed in the gear worn by the flight pilots. He shook from head to toe with fear but had enough courage not to faint. Not yet at least, "You, umm," he continued, his already pale face paling even more, "You can't-"

"Can't be here, yeah I know," Ben sighed. Listlessly he waved the younger man off, "You win, go tell your friends you scared away the big bad evil guy."

Back to wandering aimlessly again. Delightful…

  
  


He didn't have any other direct encounters after that but still plenty of glares and whispers. It took some time and several nonsensical turns down side halls before Ben finally found himself alone. At last, he could hear himself think! 

-so now what?

With a quiet frustrated groan, Ben took a better look at his surroundings. He'd gone down several decks and it appeared he'd found his way into a storage space of some sort somewhere far down in the bowels of the ship. Everything was more cramped here, far more of the ship's internals were exposed. Pipes and cables climbed the walls and snaked across the ceiling and there were boxes and crates stacked seemingly without rhyme or reason. The air felt warmer and more humid than the more populated portions of the ship, with what he hoped was steam hovering in the air and, evidently escaping through the small gaps between the pipes and ducts. The light down here was a dimmer warmer yellow rather than the bright bluish-white of the upper decks. In the way only someone who grew up playing and hiding in the secret spaces of a ship designed for smuggling could, he might almost call it cozy. But, other than getting lost or accused of sabotage… what could he even do down here?

Well… there was always practice? He hadn't had the space to do anything decent and while this place wasn't open enough to do mock sword fighting or run laps or anything like that, it was far, **far** , roomier than his sad excuse for a bunk. Plus, there was no one down here to tell him he was overexerting himself!

Finding himself a good spot, Ben went through what basic forms he could do without a saber. He carefully and deliberately moved through each one, turning his focus inward and paying close attention to how his body responded. There was mild discomfort with some of the poses, particularly ones that required him to bend or reach. The pain wasn’t sharp, but more of a mild burn- which was good. The kind of pain that felt strangely satisfying. As he did them, the motions became a soothing mantra in his head; move your leg forward, inhale, turn your body to the side, rest your weight down onto that leg, exhale, move your back leg, turn your body, inhale, raise arms to first position, shift your weight from your front leg onto your back leg, hold, feel the tension in your muscles, exhale…

He kept at it until he felt like his limbs didn't have enough blood in them and noticed that there was a faint tremble in his movements. While his body might be worn out Ben found that, to his satisfaction, his mind felt much clearer and lighter. Wiping the sweat from his forehead with his sleeve, he sought out a good place to sit down and take off his vest to use as a makeshift mat. It would be at least a little more comfortable than the hard metal floor.

When he had arranged himself the best he could, back against a large metal crate, legs crossed, hands loosely in his lap, he closed his eyes and centered his breathing. Inhale, letting his focus fall once more inward, following the breath down to his core, exhale, spread awareness further throughout the body, repeat until he allowed it to expand outward away from himself. He let the Force capture his attention. It wasn't something he could "see" exactly but was like the air that way, but he could feel it, flowing like wind, or sand, or water, like the gentle heat from a flame, the minute movements of a plant unfurling a leaf. On the whole, it was not "light" or "dark,” just a thing that was there. It moved both around the objects in the room and himself, it moved through both as well, in this way they were connected, and at the most basic level simply matter and thus the same. It was in this way one could understand that if the objects in the world and the body were no different then, therefore, one was an extension of the other and could be acted upon as part of the self if your will was strong and focused enough.

It began with little things, loose screws, scraps of material, the clipped-off ends of wires, dust bunnies, all slowly rising when his awareness set them free from gravity. Larger things like boxes and crates responded next. Moving one was no different than the other, weight and size were irrelevant, but no feat was free and the more you enacted your will the more effort you used and the more of your strength and energy had to be given to shifting the Force from it's chosen path. No different than any other exercise if you thought about it. The Force whispered, soft and soothing without any distinguishable words or ideas. There were just faint echoes of all that was, had been, and the endless paths of what would or could be. He allowed himself to drift along with it and listen to its song, moving objects to the ebb and flow as a child might send a leaf bobbing along a slow river with a stick. It wasn't easy to admit but he'd missed how peaceful and easy it was. It was natural, just like breathing... Inhale… Exhale…… Inhale…… Exhale……….

  
  


* * *

  
  


_You need to understand I'm not doing this to spite you le_ ** _ft me here you made me and threw me aw_** _ay from home we've_ looked everywhere and ca _n't find the answer th_ ** _at you're looking for means_** **that yo** u've been tryin _g to get you out why won't you_ **listen to me you say it's for my own good but there are still people insi** _de I can't leave them but I can't hold on it's too heavy I can't do this_ ** _alone and abandoned just the way everyone lef_** _t you and you did it to me you do_ n't know how much I hate you **I wish yo** ** _u'd died instead of her_** _but it's not fair to say that if I ke_ pt hating like that i'd bur _n up in flames and sm_ **oke that's so thick he can't bre** _athe and he didn't want th_ ** _is I didn't mean for this to happe_** _n to them but no one will do anything and they're ju_ st throwing this at us because they don't wa _nt to deal with it it's like they think it's all a big jo_ ke like I can't make **my own choices** yo _u're always doing this you keep saying such_ ** _terrible things about yourself but it's not_** _a lie just like everything else that's all he ever thought his life was and he was always so lonely but you never thought about that did y_ ** _ou I served my purpose I protected you but_** **you** ** _threw me aw_** _ay and left me to_ **die** _it should have been me and not you I couldn't imagine going on in_ ** _a world that didn't have you in it_** _makes sense if you think about it_ you keep struggling _on ahead but you_ **haven't forgiven** _but not forgotten because I don't think I ever will is the key here you need to be strong and focused and always_ remember me but you don't have to _keep clinging no one is going to leave me_ ** _all by myself when I was only six years old and I never saw them again I was always waiti_** _ng even though_ I knew they were never coming back for me _but I knew you would_ ** _you'll never be rid of me_** _or what you did to you and you said you'd_ **make them pay** _that we'd burn it all away until there wasn't anything left to hurt us but you lied and left me and I couldn't stand it that you'd value your own life so little that you'd throw them away like garbage and we pick them up and_ give them a purpose _and the most important thing is that it's_ **a blade that can be turned off** _it doesn't always have to be about you but that's what this is isn't it you can't move past how much it hurts and you won't break the c_ ycle of nature that we're a _ll a part of_ ** _the building came down_** _on top of them and in the distance_ ** _she can hear them screaming but it's too heavy to risk moving forw_** _ard or backwards so she's stuck and can only cry at least that's what I told myself but I was being weak and_ that's where the Jedi made their mistake _because that's not how this should work I know it will it has to I have to find him I know you don't understand I can't keep doing this isn't your fault please understand that Ben and Kylo Ren is me as much as he isn't how the force works it’s_ **not magic there's always a pri** _ce to pay and I'll find out what that is and I'll do it right because I can't be without y_ ** _ou hurt her so mu_** _ch do you think you could ever make up for it there's nothing that could possibly be given that's how it works you took the oath and_ ** _you are mine_** _and I will not give you up and I w_ ** _on't let her take yo_** _u from me you're just a_ foolish frightened child _in a mask and I can see you through the cracks in the end_ ** _you can't_** _hide_ from me I **will find you in the mirror and the gaps between** ** _and_** _you are mine!_

"-wake up! Are you okay?"

  
  


* * *

  
  


Ben bolted upright, breath coming in ragged gasps. Already he was losing focus of the vision, all of it muddling together and dissolving into shards and fragments. Instinctively he reached out to the side to grab… wait where were they? His pens and parchments? He needed to write everything he'd seen down before he forgot-

"Hey," a voice called out right beside him, its owner shook his arm, "Are you _alright_?" 

Ben whipped his head around so fast that he nearly head-butted the young woman who was crouched down beside him. She let out a startled squeak, nearly falling over, her hand tightening to an almost painful grip on his arm and he let out a grunt of discomfort.

"Oh Stars, I'm so sorry!" The young woman fretted, "Are you okay?" She repeated, "I was looking for something and found you back here, you were just laying on the floor!"

Ben blinked, "What? No, I'm fine I-" right, he wasn't in his room at the temple…he was on a Resistance ship, he'd been meditating and…"I, uh-" his voice wavered in embarrassment, "I must have fallen asleep." 

Unfortunately, this wasn't the first time it had happened...it had been a nearly regular occurrence when he'd first started training with Master Skywalker. That was how his Master had learned about his intense visions and encouraged him to write them down so he wouldn't forget. Later he'd- well Kylo Ren had no use for such things, whether it was the dark side, Snoke, or an effect of his ill-made persona, he hadn't had a vision like this in a very long time. He didn't have any writing materials now and already the details were nearly gone, leaving only vague feelings and impressions… Damn…

"Are you sure you're okay?" the girl pressed, "I don't think I could sleep on the floor like that unless I was dead on my feet…"

Ben finally looked at her properly, trying to glean what he could from her appearance; short black hair pulled back hurriedly into a ponytail, a roundness to her face and body that suggested someone who wasn't a regular part of combat, but an undertone of muscle that spoke of a great deal of manual labor. She wore a loose, tan jumpsuit, and he spotted heavy gloves tucked into a side pocket. An engineer then?

"I didn't get a lot of sleep last night," he admitted.

"Ah that would explain it," she chuckled in amusement. Why’d he got the feeling that she'd been on both ends of this scenario before? "I thought maybe you'd collapsed or hit your head or something terrible like that. I'm glad that wasn't what happened! Sorry for overreacting." Her eyebrows suddenly shot up, "Oh I'm being so rude!" She quickly extended a hand in a clear indication that he should shake it, "I'm Rose!"

Oh! This was _Rose_? The same one Rey was friends with? Were they the same or was that a common name? "Oh, uh," he quickly sat up properly, took her hand, and shook it. Try and keep her from thinking he was even more of a weirdo than she already did, "I'm, Ben,"

Her grip was surprisingly firm and energetic and he felt a wave of relief roll off her when she smiled. "So," she said, moving to sit down herself instead of hovering over him, "what **are** you doing down here?" 

"Ah, well," he felt his face heat up, "honestly? I was looking for something to do."

"Something to do?" She echoed, " _down here?!_ "

"Well, no one will let me do anything anywhere else so I went where there weren't any people," Oh that really sounded like something a sane, normal and all-around grounded person would say, didn’t it?

Rose's brow furrowed in confusion, "Why?"

Uh… "I well- I got injured a while back," that wasn't a lie exactly. It wasn't completely _true_ , but telling her exactly who she'd found napping in a corner was a _terrible_ idea, "I'm fine now but no one will let me do anything and I'm a little sick of staring at the wall."

To his surprise, Rose nodded in understanding, "Ugh, I've been there! I mean I get it, people worry about you," worry yes but not for the same reason, he imagined, "And they don't understand that you can't just do _nothing_! It will drive you crazy!"

Yes, exactly!

She hummed in thought, "Well… I don't want to risk getting chewed out by the med team, I don't know what they've cleared you for, but…" she looked him over hesitantly, "If you don't mind my chattering you could come and help me do a maintenance check? Wouldn't be a lot, just handing me tools and checking work orders and stuff. Mindless busy work."

Oh, bless this woman! "I would be absolutely delighted." 

Rose choked on a laugh at his enthusiasm, "Okay Ben! Consider yourself hired!"

  
  


* * *

  
  


Rose, it turned out, was indeed a chatty young woman. It seemed she made it a point to know what was going on with everyone she worked with and the general status of, not just this ship, but of all those currently considered part of their fleet. She lamented that she’d been so busy since the end of the war that she was, as she put it, completely out of the loop. Apparently she was skilled enough at gathering information that she'd even nabbed herself a mole in the First Order. In the past, Kylo Ren would have found that information infuriating but Ben found it amusing. Good for her. Wonder who it had been…?   
  
She shared a surprising amount of what she’d been doing as well. She’d been bouncing back and forth between multiple ships. After the battle of Exogol, there hadn’t been a single one that hadn’t suffered some sort of damage so every member of the Resistance's engineering teams had to be shared between them. Rose expressed that while she enjoyed her work she was still glad that she was glad to be back to a single ship. She wasn’t overly fond of racing from place to place like an Endorian Chicken with its head cut off. Just because it was necessary didn’t mean she had to like it.   
  
They avoided personal topics on the whole which Ben greatly appreciated, save for when Rose briefly mentioned a sister. There was a swell of grief that skirted along the top of her emotions and she’d quickly switched topics, so he decided it was best not to ask anything about her and was content with letting it stay a mystery. Rose may not have picked up on who she was talking to yet but, chances were once she did she wouldn't have been terribly keen on telling him anything else. She’d probably come at him with a wrench. He’d heard from Rey what she’d done to Finn...

The work they'd been doing was fairly mundane but after so long it felt like a breath of fresh air. It primarily involved checking over the work other engineers had done, which wasn't a bad system. Having someone else give a repair a once-over would ensure sure nothing was missed. Given that the majority of the ships in the Resistance's fleet were repurposed or exceptionally old it was essential. True to her word, Rose only let him check her datapad, hand her things, and do a visual assessment- only after she'd learned that he'd done ship repairs before. He had the odd feeling he was being tested in some way when she asked for his feedback on something — probably an engineer's pride. Her’s was well deserved if that was the case, he could tell that much.

" _Alright_ ," Rose dragged the word out slowly, moving her penlight along a weld to make sure it had fully sealed the break, "The junction box looks good… you can mark that down as clear." 

Ben ticked the box next to the repair report, humming in confirmation as he did so.

"Cables are hooked up correctly… let's see about those breaks…" she tapped each with a finger to keep track, "Good, good, good- ah, this one was soldered but not covered." She held out her hand, passing Ben the penlight, "Okay, I need the clip light and a piece of insulation tape about two inches long."

Ben passed her the light and quickly tore her a strip of tape, "Done and done."

"Wow look at you, you're the perfect assistant!" The young woman teased, reaching in to expertly wrap the wire.

"It's almost like I've done this before," he replied, trying to be casual. This was a relief if he were honest. Doing something mundane with someone who didn't know who he was, no biting comments, the opportunity to do something constructive, even if it was small, and the activity itself was a little nostalgic, in a bittersweet way. He’d rather not mess it up.

"Who taught you?"

"Huh?"

"How to do repairs," the engineer clarified, passing the light back to him so he could put it away.

"Oh uh, my father," he admitted after a pause. It really hit home just how many things in his life were connected to his father. Even the smallest of recollections felt like it had to be carefully navigated, "Whenever he'd take me with him on his ship there would eventually be something that needed to be fixed. So I ended up helping out and when I was older doing some by myself."

"Ouch! Had a junker huh?"

Ben huffed out a laugh, "Yeah, you wouldn't be the first to call it that. You wouldn't think the way he’d talk about it. Something always seemed to be wrong with it though, he used to say the ship was doing it to spite him. Never understood why."

"Ah," to his surprise Rose reached over and gave his arm a reassuring squeeze, "I'm sorry."

He blinked, "For what?"

"Painful memory, I could tell. I didn't mean to bring any of them up."

Oh, was he that transparent? "It's okay, you didn't do anything wrong. You don’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing."

She didn't look entirely convinced, "If you're sure," she climbed to her feet and dusted her jumpsuit off, grabbing her toolbox and gesturing for him to follow as she headed to the next spot.

"You know," she continued after a short silence, "Everyone here has their own scars. I don't think there's a single person who hasn't lost someone or something, a part of their lives they can’t get back. I guess what I'm saying is, you shouldn't feel like you have to face your demons all alone. You'd be surprised how understanding people are."

"That's… Very optimistic," he ventured. Unfortunately, that would never be the case for him, he'd accepted that. "I'll try to keep that in mind."

Rose seemed satisfied with that answer and didn't say anything further until they reached the next work spot.

  
  
  
  


"So this one is a bit weird," Rose said, studying the work request and attached report.

"How so?" 

"Well, …it's not really the repair we're here to check- I mean we're going to but that's not the main reason." She held out the pad for him to see, "See, Celiss was down here yesterday and he said he heard a rattling sound when we jumped to hyperspace. Thing is, his people have hearing that's a lot better than the rest of us, so it might not be something serious, maybe a bit of grit or whatever? Just a vibration hitting weird?" Rose shrugged, "Either way, I just want to make sure. Better safe than sorry and all. Plus we have actual time now so we can afford to check up on stuff like this."

Ben nodded, standing clear so she could look over the spot where the maintenance had been done, but just close enough that he could watch over her shoulder. The initial reason the other engineer had been here was to change the filters in this junction of the atmospheric system, and that was simple enough to double-check. With any luck, the rattling sound was just a filter put in incorrectly or just not secured.

Rose pulled each filter out partway and looked it over before slotting it back in and moving on to the next, "I don't see anything wrong with these," she murmured, "So it's not that… unless the fitting is loose?" She rapped her knuckles against the casing, listening intently, "I don't hear any rattling but might as well check the bolts. Ben? Can you hand me a number… six hex wrench, please?"

She thanked him when he passed the tool to her and gave each fastener a quick twist.

Sitting back on her haunches Rose let out a frustrated hum, "Not the bolts either. They weren't loose at all…" she leaned closer and tapped the box with the wrench, "Still don't hear any rattling." 

_Tap, tap_ , on the incoming duct.

"Not here…"

_Tap, tap,_ on the outgoing duct.

"Huh," Rose pressed her ear to the duct and tapped it again, "I think I hear something?" she pulled back and stood up, "Sounds higher up…" she leaned her ear to another duct and tapped it, "Closer. Maybe over here?"

Ben watched with a kind of admiration as the small woman hopped up, onto a thin ledge created by the floor lights, and shoved her entire head and part of her upper body into a gap between several pipes. A minute later the chorus of faintly echoing tapping and grumbled curses abruptly ceased.

"Ah-ha! I found you!" With a small grunt Rose hoisted herself free, turning around and triumphantly presenting a segment of pipe about two inches in diameter and four inches in length with a broken, rusted, fitting at one end, "Look at this thing," she laughed, "it was rusted to the wall and jammed against that segment up there," she gestured to somewhere higher up, "It must have fallen off or got dropped ages ago and no one found it. At least we got it out, should take care of the rattling!" She flashed him a grin and with a delighted little hop, lept back down on to the grating.

She'd barely opened her mouth to say something further when a small metallic **_ping_ **rang out and descended down the wall, and something small and shiny ricocheted off the floor, vanishing into the grating.

"I- what was that?" Rose choked out, voice tight with fear.

A far louder metallic screech thundered down from above them and the young woman let out a cry of alarm. Without even thinking Ben rushed forward, dropping the toolbox as part of the wall rolled like a wave and crashed. He grabbed Rose's arm and pulled her down with him, leaning over to shield her as he threw his free arm out above them. There was a horrifically loud sheering twisting sound as a massive section of ductwork smashed down onto them, twisting and crumpling where he blocked it with the Force. Ben grunted with effort as it jerked to complete stillness less than half a foot above his head.

Rose stammered and gaped at him, her whole body shaking like a leaf. Her eyes finally looked away from him; flicking around the scattered and broken scrap that surrounded them; along the length of wall over the twisted damaged piping that had been torn up when the segment fell, leaking steam and dripping fluids; up to said giant section of duct, currently floating above their heads; to him, and back again. She let out a warbling whimper as what had just happened and what its outcome had _nearly_ been sunk in, "I-I oh Stars, y-you, you just-" she let out another sound of alarm when he lowered the chunk of scrap to the floor a few feet from them with an echoing thud.

"Are you okay?" Ben asked her, trying to ignore the shock and terror radiating from her, he didn't succeed when her eyes widened and a sharp bolt of realization flashed through her.

"Y-you're- uh, yeah!" Rose replied, "I'm okay! I, I can't believe-" pushing away from him and scrambling to her feet, "I think," she continued, a little too fast and a little too loud; backing away slowly, "I think we're done for the day! I'm uh, I'm gonna go get a team to fix this! Y-you can, go, uh, wherever you need to or, or something." She stumbled, nearly tripping over the debris, squeaking out, "Sorry!" before she bolted away down the hall.

Kriff...

  
  


* * *

  
  


"Are you sure you're okay?" Rey asked him, several hours later.

They were sitting at a table in the mess hall again. Not alone this time, however. 

Directly across the table from him and to Rey's left sat Finn; the former Stormtrooper had changed a lot since they’d last been face to face, their brief fight on the snow-covered surface of Starkiller Base. Whills, that felt like a whole other life. In a way, he supposed, it had been.

  
Now, Finn looked far more at home — hair noticeably longer and proudly dressed in the Rebellion's colors — than he likely ever felt in his trooper armor. His fear and uncertainty had been dampened by courage and a hardened resolve. As Kylo Ren, Ben had thoroughly studied the other man’s profile and record, trying to find an explanation for his “betrayal.” He’d only been deceiving himself. He now realized that while _Kylo Ren_ had been searching for his answer, behind the mask, _Ben_ had been trying to understand how someone who had only ever known the brutal dogma of the First Order, who was nothing to it but a series of letters and numbers, had escaped when he, himself, could not. 

It was a little too close to jealousy for his liking, even now. To see Finn looking so natural and at ease beside Rey, radiating mild unease but just beneath it a well of stalwart support for his friend. Ben felt ashamed that he couldn’t match it.

"Yes, I am," Ben finally said, truth be told his shoulder hurt a little from the incident earlier that day, but it wasn't anything that wouldn't be gone tomorrow. No need to make her worry. That and he didn't need to make her feel she needed to defend him by telling her how he'd gotten it. The last thing he wanted was to drive even more of a wedge between her and one of her friends…

"You're staring at your lunch like you're trying to kill it with your mind," she deadpanned.

"You know, technically I _could_ do that,"

Rey scoffed, "Your sandwich has done absolutely nothing to deserve that."

"Can you… do that?" Finn asked, curiosity winning over the apprehension clear in his voice. He prodded his soup with his spoon, "I mean umm…"

"Yes,"

"Ben!" Rey squawked.

"She can too."

" _Ben_!"

"I'm not going to _do_ it," he shot back. Really he’d just been trying to get a rise out of her. Okay, and maybe spook Finn a little. Honestly, how could he not when asked such an odd question? "To answer your question in a less… ‘offensive’ way," he looked back to Finn, "You can, in fact, kill someone with the Force in the way you're thinking. However, it is not something I would recommend to anyone, it is not a pleasant experience."

"Ah, okay," Finn said uneasily, "thanks for the advice?"

Ben sighed, "Uh-huh."

"Ben," mild irritation was clear in Rey's voice, "Don’t change the subject. Something happened didn’t it? Why don’t you tell me about it?"

Whills, that made him feel so guilty… "Nothing abnormal. I spooked some guy down on one of the flight decks. Apparently I am **not** allowed down there."

The young woman frowned, "What do they think you'll steal a ship or something?"

"It's not an unfair assumption," Finn pointed out. He scrambled a little when Rey gave him a hurt look, "I mean they don't know him the way you do, so they can't know for sure! Uh, no offense."

"None taken," Ben shrugged, "If the situation was reversed it's what I would do. You don't let a prisoner wander around the flight deck, it's common sense."

"You're not a prisoner." Rey protested.

"Yes," he told her firmly, " _I am,_ and that's fine."

The young woman huffed, letting the topic drop though she was clearly unhappy about it, "What else did you do?"

"Tried to meditate."

Finn cocked his head, "What, like with the Force?"

Rey glanced at Finn, “Of course with the Force.”

“It could’ve been like a relaxation exercise or something…” Finn groused, glaring at her childishly, “Is it hard?” He asked, returning his attention to Ben.

Rey made a face, “It's not supposed to be.”

"It's not, I just-" oh this was awkward, but he was being more open with people… well, some people. Rey's friend at least? Well, maybe just Rey, "…might have fallen asleep."

"You fell asleep?" Rey snickered, grinning wolfishly, "That's so adorable, I'm sad I missed it." 

Finn coughed and suddenly found his lunch very interesting.

Ben felt his face heat up, "I don't know about that."

"Why would a nap upset you though?" Rey pressed, ignoring his embarrassment.

"I had a vision."

Her eyes widened in surprise, "Really? What about?!" She asked excitedly, leaning forward in her seat.

"I uh… don't know," he admitted, at his now audience's confused looks he tried to explain, "If they happen while I'm asleep there's usually a lot of them at once and they tend to be very intense. So normally I can’t hold onto them for long after I wake up." He hesitated a moment before finishing his thought, "Master Skywalker encouraged me to keep writing materials by my bed so I could write them down. I had a calligraphy set for a while actually, I don't have them now obviously so…" he trailed off. That was too much information, why had he just blurted it out like that?

To his surprise Finn piped up, "That's too bad, they must have meant a lot to you."

Ben blinked, wait how did he-? "Uh, I guess, it was a gift from- well it doesn't matter, but I used it for a long time."

Finn’s brow furrowed in thought, "You couldn't just use a datapad and stylus?"

"I could have probably, but the Jedi, at least my Master, lean hard towards older things, so that’s what I was taught with. Probably why I prefer more- I guess you'd say; traditional, tactile, mediums? It's easier to channel what you want through them."

Rey visibly perked in curiosity, "How so?"

“What it ultimately comes down to is how much of a connection you have with whatever you’re using,” Ben tried to explain, “Older items just have- _more_ of whatever their owners put into it. Something traditional, that you can touch and feel? It's easier to connect with.”

  
“And what did you mean?” Rey leaned over the table, eyes glittering in excitement, “Channel what exactly?”

"Oh like," Ben grabbed at the air, "it's not just a single thing, but ultimately it's about letting the Force guide your hand. Automatic writing, casting images, things like that." He hadn’t done any of that in ages either.

"Huh, maybe I should find something like that and have you show me what you mean? It sounds interesting!"

Ben flushed a little against his will, "I uh, don't see why not? But I don’t know that-"

"Hold that thought," Rey said suddenly, hopping up from her seat, "Rose!" She called, leaning over and waving excitedly at something behind them, "we're over here!"

Ben looked behind him to see who she was waving at. Sure enough, there was the engineer from earlier, standing awkwardly a few tables away, a tray of food in hand. Yes, his bad luck was confirmed. There was only one Rose and she was Rey's friend **and** the same woman he'd met that afternoon. He'd known that but still… he'd been hoping to avoid letting Rey know he'd traumatized yet another one of her friends for maybe at least a day...

Rose made her way over to their table, she looked nervous and it only got worse the closer she came. By the time she stopped next to Rey, she was radiating unease like a big neon sign.

Rey, bless her, soldiered on like nothing was wrong, "It's so good to see you!" She hopped to her feet, giving the other woman a hug, which Rose happily returned with her free arm, "It feels like a million years."

Rose managed a laugh, "It hasn't been _that_ long. Just, close to it."

"Oh! Also," Rey added, gesturing, "This is Ben, he's who I wanted to introduce you too!"

"Oh," Rose shifted uncomfortably, her nerves clawing back with an abruptness that felt like getting hit in the face with a rock, "we uh, met already."

"What? Wait," Rey looked between them in confusion, "when?"

"Today — a few hours ago," Rose answered.

The growing look of hurt on Rey's face really stung.

_Ben? What happened? Why didn't you tell me?_

_I didn't want to make things worse for you…_

"I'll tell you what happened — I promise — just one second," Rose pleaded.

To Ben's surprise, she spun to face him, shifting uncomfortably, tapping her fingers fretfully on the bottom of her tray. What was she doing?

"I'm sorry!" she blurted.

Huh?

"For ditching you, like that!" the mechanic clarified, "You basically saved my life-"

"What happened now!?" "Excuse me?!" Finn and Rey interjected over one another.

"Oh, my Stars in a minute! Let me finish!" Rose hissed. "Anyway! I'm sorry I ran off like that. I just, I got freaked out…" she couldn't meet his gaze, "almost having that huge thing land on me… I could have gotten really hurt." 

Ben felt something in his chest sink a little. What she was saying wasn't a lie but that wasn’t all that had scared her. He expected it. It always happened and it made sense that it would. So why did the thought make him feel so disappointed?

"That's not the only thing I need to say sorry for," Rose continued, "Truth is I…was scared of you too. When I realized who you were. Then I was really mad that you didn’t tell me," She looked away guilty, "I still am…"

Yeah, he knew.

"It's fine," he said.

"No, it's not!" Rose insisted, her sudden earnestness taking him off guard, "At least I don't want it to be. I thought about it after I stopped freaking out. Even if it really torqued me I can understand why you didn’t say who you were. You're really different than I'd heard and how I'd thought you'd be," she shifted uncomfortably, “I always said things like, if someone who’d done terrible things really wanted to make up for it that even if I didn’t like them that they should be allowed to do it. It’s- humiliating that in reality when faced with that exact same scenario I didn’t do that and only got up the nerve to even be in the same room because you literally saved my life…” She bit her lip, "what am trying to say is; I'm still nervous but I hate the idea of being a hypocrite even more. I'm sorry."

Ben stared at her in something akin to shock for a solid few seconds, "You don't-" he could _feel_ Rey narrowing her eyes at him, "uh, thank you."

The young mechanic let out a sigh of relief, "Thank goodness…"

Rey clapped her hands in delight, "Now that that's settled," it was amazing how she could just bounce back like that, as though it was all no big deal, "You, sit down," she pointed to the free chair to Ben's left.   
  
Aware that Rose was still on edge Ben shifted his seat over to the right, putting up a guise of having done so to make space. It was likely very obvious that that was not the case but the engineer looked grateful if a little guilty that she did. He didn’t think any less of her for it, though it was unfair to make her or anyone sit by him. He’d brought on the reputation that preceded him after all. 

"Don’t keep us in suspense,” Rey eagerly questioned her friend. “Tell us what happened!" She raised an eyebrow at Ben, "and why I didn't hear about it."

Ouch.

_I said I didn't want to worry you…_

A sigh. _You are so_ **_dense_ ** _sometimes._

Double ouch.

Rose's face reddened in embarrassment, as she recounted the events of the accident to Finn and Rey. Strangely the way she was telling it everything seemed more exciting? More heroic? Ben didn’t really get it, what was the point in building up his actions like that?

Somewhere in the retelling, Rose had switched from unease and embarrassment to excitement, "Looking back, it was pretty amazing! The _crater_ he left in that thing was huge! I don't think I've ever really seen the Force up close before either and if he hadn't been there- that's a Force thing right?” she suddenly turned to him, “Knowing that you need to be somewhere to help someone?"

Ben blinked, "Uh, sometimes?"

For some reason that seemed to delight Rose even more, "I have so many questions! Like…Like when Rey told me you were alive she said Kylo Ren was dead. I don't really get that."

An uncomfortable silence settled over the table and Ben became painfully aware of all eyes suddenly being on him.

"Oh no, should I not have asked that? Is that really personal?" Rose fretted.

"I was curious about that too!" Finn cut in like he was trying to take the heat off of her.

Unfortunate that that was an understandable precaution. "It's okay, I’m not mad," Ben eventually said, swallowing nothing and absentmindedly worrying his lip. No, not mad. He felt a bit hot but also cold; heavy, like he’d filled his pockets with stones, “I’m sorry, but I really don’t want to talk about that right now.” His voice sounded almost foreign to him.

“You don’t have to!” Rose jumped to reply, “It is really personal, isn't it?" She shifted a bit in her chair, "What I said before still stands though! Everyone here has gone through really difficult things, I know they aren't the same, but we're all happy to listen. Right, Finn?"

"Uh, right?" Finn agreed. Or tried to…

"See? They understand. You’re already making friends," Rey beamed at Ben, her joy rippled through the Force like a pebble in a pond, "So…” she looked from him to Rose, "maybe you can tell me why you got to go play with Rose, and I didn't?"

Her attitude was teasing but the phrasing still caught him off guard. 

Beside him, Rose made a scandalized sound, "Rey!"

"It wasn't on purpose," Ben assured Rey. If this faux indignant attitude was her way of distracting him from the pressure of the previous question, he would happily take it, " It was a total coincidence... will of the Force... you know how it is."

Rey narrowed her eyes at him.

"I don't know what's going on," Rose chimed in, "but I'm not sure I like that I'm a part of it."

"We're bored," Rey told her, still in an impromptu staring contest with her opposite.

"Extremely," he confirmed.

"So it's not fair-"

"Life isn't-"

"Are you really that bored?" Finn cut in, (did he think they were actually fighting?) "Enough to be mad if one of you gets to do grunt work?"

"At this point?" Ben confessed, "I'd gladly to _inventory_."

"Stars so would I," Rey agreed with a whine, "we're so pathetic."

"Eh, you get used to it,"

"You've done inventory?” Finn questioned him, " _You?_ "

Ben snorted, "Yes? Why wouldn’t I have?”  
  
  
Finn balked, “Well, because- I mean, you had more important things to do right? Like-” the younger man stumbled for a moment, “Like practicing with a lightsaber and doing, I don’t know, Force kicks?”

“Force... kicks?” Ben asked slowly.

“It’s a thing,” Finn protested, “That’s a thing, right?” he not so subtly murmured to a snickering Rey.  
  
  
“Ah, I see.” Could he answer this one? Why did everything feel like it was impossible to talk about? He needed to say something. He could already tell the mood was turning tense again, “I… see why you might think that, but no. I’ve had to do inventory many times, even at the Jedi temple,” he could do this, just don’t dwell on it. “It used to be Master Skywalker's go-to punishment when I was a Padawan," at their questioning stares he clarified. "The stage before apprentice. I was… ten, eleven? But, yes I can assure you I was in the library, food stores, or supply room many, _many_ times.” They were still looking at him… like they expected him to say more, “At least, until he realized I was being disobedient on purpose so I could get out of listening to lectures and text recitations."

"You did _not_ ," Rey grinned gleefully. 

"I did," he insisted. She’d trained with Skywalker too hadn’t she? She had to know how stubborn and inflexible he could be, "They were always so dull. It was better to just read the texts myself and ask questions later. He didn't like that I had a comment for everything either. I mean, questioning thousand-year-old teachings is one thing but… I wasn't exactly… tactful about it?"

Rose snickered into her drink, "That is amazing!"

"It is?"

"It **is** !" She grinned, "You sassed back _the_ Luke Skywalker, you tricked him into letting you out of, what, classwork? That’s basically legendary. I love stories of stupid things people did when they were little! Doesn't matter who they are, everyone has one!"

Ben fell silent as this prompted the others to start jumping in with their own stories or tales of people they knew who had done absurd things — Rose, in particular, seemed to have a great many stories about Poe, which Finn was openly eager to hear. He didn’t chime in with any more than a passing comment or two but it didn’t feel forced this time and his silence didn’t feel so out of place. For the first time in a while, it didn't feel quite so oppressive and depressing, especially seeing Rey laughing and smiling, like this was normal. Glancing at him from time to time as if to indicate that this could be **his** normal too. It was selfish but, he wanted to pretend that it could. To keep it that way as long as possible, before reality set back in…

  
  


**TBC  
  
  
  
**


	2. Navigating Emotional Pitfalls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben smirked, resting his chin on his hand, "Oh you would be surprised." He lowered his voice conspiratorially, "I learned my first curse words from my mother. The songs I learned from my father and his "friends"."
> 
> "No," Rey could feel a grin forming on her face, "She never would have let him, surely!"
> 
> "She didn't like it," Ben shrugged, "But her job was critical and kept her far too busy to spare time keeping me out of trouble," there was a touch of regret and disappointed acceptance in his words, "I spent most of my time with my father anyway. It was that or leave me with a nanny droid, and Whills know I got very good at escaping from them fairly early on and it wasn’t wise to leave me alone."
> 
> Rey laughed, trying to picture a tiny little Ben, all pudgy baby limbs and wild hair, sneaking past fussy droids to find his parents. She hoped it was as adorable as she imagined. "I still don't know that I entirely believe you. A bar or anywhere else Han might go for fun is absolutely not any place for a child."
> 
> "Pot to the kettle. I can prove it."
> 
> "How?"
> 
> "Name a song. I bet you I know it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No real warnings? Characters having flashbacks and trying to maneuver around triggers? I used the Rise of Kylo Ren comic mini-series as a guide for parts of this.
> 
> I've also been listening to the Light of the Jedi audiobook, it's soooooo good. It's set in the high republic era and it's really great for getting a feel of how the Jedi were at their height. Very much recommended.
> 
> (Also my computer tried to auto-fill the chapter title as "Idiots Battle to the Death on a Roof" Which honestly confused the crap out of me until I realized that was the title of the last chapter of my fic Pupper XD )

[ Fill The Glasses One More Time And Never Heed The Empty Bottle

Turn The Water Into Wine And Turn The Party Up Full Throttle

Don't Go Out Into The Cold Where The Wind And Rain Are Blowing

For The Fire Is Flaming Gold And In Here The Musics Flowing

It Is Not Day, No Love, It Is Not Day And It Won't Be Till Morning

It's Not Day And It Won't Be Yet, The Highlight Is In The Moon

Tell Me That The Night Is Long, Tell Me That The Moon Is Gleaming

Fill My Glass I'll Sing A Song And We’ll Keep The Music Streaming

Until All The Songs Are Sung!]

\- Níl Sé'n Lá, Celtic Women

  
  
  


**Long long ago, in a galaxy far far away...**

  
  
  


"Your prayers have been answered!"

Rose's declaration echoed slightly in the quiet corner of the mess hall, drawing annoyed glances from a few of the less distant occupants. Rey stifled a laugh, turning away from the game of Pazaak she had been playing with Ben -and a surprisingly competitive Finn- to the mechanic, who looked very pleased with herself.

"What prayers?" The Jedi asked.

Rose snorted, "I got you and Ben a job is what I did."

Rey beamed, the relief and restrained elation she felt from Ben added to her own. Finally. Finally! They could do something other than sitting around all day, "Whills, Rose I could kiss you!" She trilled, "What sort of job is it? What are we doing?"

The mechanic's smile grew sly, " _ Weeeell _ , the two of you did say that you were bored enough that you'd do just about anything. Including," here she paused just long enough that Rey almost wanted to shake her, "Inventory!"

"I'll do it," Ben immediately piped up from the other side of the table, "gladly." He leaned back in his chair with a mildly dramatic sigh, "We're running out of things to do. I'm even getting sick of this." He waved his cards listlessly.

"You don't get to say that when you keep  _ winning _ ." Finn pouted.

Ben raised an eyebrow, "Do you think that I'm cheating?"

"I- well no! Not exactly! I mean, you could just look with the Force though, couldn't you?"

Rose laughed while Finn floundered and Rey had to bite her lip to keep from joining in. 

She supposed she could see why Finn might make that assumption. There was a particularly large pile of "chips" in front of Ben. (Well really they were small square biscuit things a little bigger than a one-inch hex nut but they served their purpose.) It would have been easy to use the Force to peek into an unguarded opponent's mind and see their cards, that much was true. There was also the constant feelings and intuition being sensitive brought, you couldn't do much about that. However, Rey highly doubted that's why Ben was winning.

Honestly? It was really just down to skill. Han had been Ben's father after all and she highly doubted he wouldn't have taught his son how to play any number of games of chance. Given how Ben had been at the bottom of the first two games before gradually getting up to this winning streak it seemed the most likely answer. Loath as she was to admit it, he'd just been rusty and needed to get back into the swing of the game, simple as that.

Too bad though, up until that point she'd been the one with all the literal chips. 

Her skills seemed to surprise Finn too. The young woman didn't understand why though. Up until recently, she'd lived the life of a scavenger and that had included trying to find ways to pass the time. Some of the older scavengers at the trade-in post, not yet too jaded by the world to take pity on a little human girl, had taught her how to gamble. It was risky sure, to play for parts or rations but it was as exciting as things got without becoming violent, and it kept one sane.

"No, I am not using the Force," Ben said, glancing up at Finn flatly and adding, "Trust me. You're just bad at this."

The tone and mannerism were so much like his father that Rey was momentarily taken aback. Unfortunately, either Ben sensed her sudden comparison or he'd had the same thought, because he visibly clammed up again and stared pointedly at his cards, mumbling something about how Finn would get better eventually.

Unfortunate. 

  
  


Rey understood that things would take time- a lot of time- but it was still disappointing to see a brief glimpse of the real Ben only to have him hide once more. She kept telling herself that it was better than before- and it was. While still not keen on sharing much of anything with anyone other than her, Ben was actually starting to talk with Finn and Rose about things more than strictly business and awkward greetings. One step at a time, she had to be satisfied with that.

  
  


"Glad to know you're both so enthusiastic," Rose chuckled, pulling them back on topic, "who knows, you might even enjoy it." Clearing her throat she continued, "So, with the worst over, most of what we've been doing has involved clearing out pockets of Imperial troops who were still stationed at various planets, space stations, and so on."

Rey didn't miss the potent flash of guilt from Ben before he hurriedly crushed it down.

"That means deciding what to do with the supplies and equipment left over." Rose added, "Most of it goes to the locals but there's always things leftover that we don't readily know what to do with. So it all gets tossed into crates and sent back to the fleet. Which means someone needs to sort it."

"Oh!" Rey chirped excitedly, "It's all salvage!"

"Exactly!" The other woman exclaimed, "I knew you'd get it!"

Rose wasn't wrong. Despite having no love for her former life as a scavenger Rey did admit that there were certain aspects that she almost missed. There was something rather relaxing about sorting through a box of scrap, seeing what could be fixed or saved or turned into something else entirely. Even with her new life as a Jedi Knight, she would always have a fondness for mechanics and tinkering. It was kind of a life philosophy if you thought about it. If it couldn't be fixed it could be repurposed, even complete scrap could be melted down and forged anew. Nothing was ever discarded.

"When do we start?" She pressed excitedly.

"Not long actually," Rose replied, "The cargo ships got here a few minutes ago, they're unloading everything now. You can start bright and early, once the primary sleep cycle is over if you want."

Rey couldn't hide her eagerness as she turned to Ben, practically shouting,  _ please please please please please,  _ across their bond.

A soft smile graced his features, "That's fine with me."

"Excellent!" Rose grinned, "Now someone scoot over, I want in next hand."

  
  


* * *

  
  


The next "morning" saw Rey in the main hangar bay, watching the last of the crates being unloaded from the transports, each on their way to the rooms where they would be sorted. Rose had not been joking when she'd said there were a lot. Rey was standing with at least fifteen other people (plus Ben) and it was all she could do not to tap her foot impatiently. Truth be told it was embarrassingly difficult to reign in her excitement. It had been far too long since she'd been allowed to do more than rest. Frankly, she was sick to death of it, her restlessness had begun to plague her like an annoying itch beneath her skin. It brought back to the surface, feelings of being trapped, suffocated. The lack of real freedom loomed uncomfortably over her and there were only so many ways to distract from it until that was all there was. Only so much you could meditate on before the only things left were ones you'd rather not tackle just yet… Yes, something new but familiar would do her a world of good!

Ben didn't share her same level of enthusiasm for this specific task but she was glad to sense that his looking forward to this wasn't solely out of boredom. He'd mentioned before, in the first almost proper conversation he'd had with someone other than her, that he'd found the process of sorting and organizing things somewhat relaxing. It made sense though, that someone like him would enjoy keeping items neat and structured. A sense of control in an uncontrollable world, perhaps?

From the corner of her eye, she saw him try to subtly stifle a yawn. Under the harsh white of the hanger lights he looked even paler than normal and she could see the hint of bruising starting to form under his eyes. 

_ Are you still not sleeping well? _ She finally ventured, thoughts moving with ease through their connection in the Force, silent to any eavesdropping. 

She felt him hesitate before his reply drifted through her mind.

_ A little, I suppose.  _ He paused just a touch too long.  _ It probably doesn't help that I've never been a morning person. I got used to being up early but it takes me a bit to be awake. Caf is a godsend. _

_ You could start taking naps. _

Ben snorted almost inaudibly.  _ Adults don't take naps, Rey. _

_ Says who?! I took naps all the time on Jakku when it was too hot. _

_ This isn't Jakku. Besides, I'm tired of sleeping. _

Rey let it drop with a silent sigh. She understood getting sick of just sitting around and doing nothing but sleeping- it wasn't like she wasn't in the same position- except Ben  _ wasn't  _ sleeping! Maybe it was the lack of activity that made it difficult? Hopefully, after today he'd be able to get a full cycle of sleep. She hoped so...

  
  


"Alright, everyone, settle down!" A middle-aged human man called, breaking her out of her restless thoughts.

The group of miscellaneous humanoids all turned their attention to him, their conversations dying out.

"This is all very straightforward," the man continued, now that he mostly had silence, "All the new salvage we've obtained has been moved to rooms 29A through 29H. We have seven groups of 2 and one group of 3." The human looked over at some of the larger beings, "The group of 3 is going to be; Sals, Korvick, and Arden. You'll be handling most of the heavier stuff."

Arden grunted and flexed his first set of large furry forelimbs, garnering a round of laughter from some of their companions.

The foreman rolled his eyes, "Or’saca and Jensen, you will  **not** be partnering on this. I am not having a repeat of last time."

"He started it," grumbled a Twe'lek woman a row or so away from them. She bared her sharp k9s and hissed like a viper at a human male a couple of feet down when he flashed her a rude gesture.

"Lastly, Jedi Rey has generously offered us her assistance. She will be chaperoning Mr. Or- Mr. … Solo." 

Despite what was undoubtedly his best efforts, Rey still saw when Ben visibly flinched, his gaze snapping to the floor as countless pairs of eyes zeroed in on him. Some in surprise, some already knowing and carrying an edge of aggression.

The foreman cleared his throat in an attempt to restore normalcy to the awkward moment he'd created and Rey sent a silent thanks that she hadn't had to stand in the way of a potential fight.

"Everyone else you may pair as you like- don't make me regret that." the foreman barked with the promise of swift punishment, "You all know the rules and safety regulations so there are no excuses for not following them. You may also take breaks at your leisure. Do  **not** abuse this privilege." 

Rey could sense at least 3 people who fully intended to do just that.

"Come to me to get your room numbers and ask any questions. Dismissed!"

  
  


* * *

  
  


A short time later Rey and Ben were getting situated in room 29F. 

The storage room was much the same as any of the others, high ceilings, exposed supports, cool gray metal walls, and floor, bright white artificial lighting. At one point it had probably looked positively sterile. The wide space was filled to the brim with stacks of large crates and other containers. Someone had attempted to arrange everything in a somewhat organized and accessible manner, but it was fruitless in the end. At least there was a fairly decent clear space in the middle so they could work.

Rey couldn't help the sudden surge of excitement that propelled her forward and had her pulling the lid off of the closest crate, like a child receiving a gift. Automatically her brain was calculating the value of the contents; lots of scrap metal- low value alone but in large amounts potentially worth the haul- the actuators were a bit more valuable, someone always needed them- oh! Those power converters were  _ very _ high quality! Even if they were damaged the value of the platinum inside alone was-!

"You really were as bored as I am if you're this eager to sort garbage." Ben teased gently from somewhere behind her.

Rey flushed in embarrassment, quickly closing the lid, "It's not trash, it's  _ salvage.  _ And, yes I have been very bored but it's not that, not exactly…" how best to put this, "Part of me missed this… Not all the things that came with it, obviously, but the taking things apart, organizing and sorting them, seeing what they could be used for instead of just being thrown away. It was relaxing." She paused, a moment's hesitation before deciding to quietly confess, "Sometimes, I felt like I was the salvage. That perhaps, if I tried hard enough, I could find a use for myself."

She felt Ben's emotions fluctuate wildly, like a pond disturbed by a large stone.

"I'm sorry." His voice was closer to her now, and after a moment of palpable hesitance, he rested his hand against her shoulder, accepting her offer for openness. It pained her to know that he felt he might not be allowed to do so, "Ky- _I_ used that against you… before. Made you feel like you'd been thrown away. I never should have. It was cruel, selfish."

Rey turned to face him, catching his hand before he could withdraw it, "I know." She told him, "It doesn't excuse it, but believe it or not I understand why you said what you did. That feeling is- it makes you feel so ugly. Everything keeps spiraling out of control, you know you're going to crash, and you'd do almost anything to make it stop. More than anything, you're so scared of being alone." 

She'd felt that way when they'd fought on the burnt-out corpse of the Death Star… An intense, maddening, panic. Pleading for it to just end...

"It did hurt," she continued, "a lot, to hear someone say it out loud when I'd been thinking it myself for years, and," a pause as she once more considered her words, "I can't call it  _ good _ , what happened, but I do think there was an important lesson I had to learn, even if I didn't want to."

Ben didn't respond, but his presence in the Force spoke volumes. Confusion, that she would find something positive in something so cruelly done. Guilt, for having done it at all. A twisting of hope and relief, that she had not simply forgiven him for this wrong but had not condemned him either. This last idea seemed to put him at ease for the moment.

The silence carried on just shy of too long and Rey scrambled to keep it from becoming awkward, "So," she blurted, "How do you want to do this? What secrets did you learn when you were a Padawan?" Oh, that was… that was terrible...

Ben almost choked on a sudden laugh, and she felt a little better about her painfully bad transition, "About  _ cleaning _ ? I don't think it's any kind of special secret." He frowned, "...I suppose I found it easiest when I could see everything? Usually, I just dumped everything into one large pile and sorted it by whatever categories I needed to and went on from there?"

Rey nodded, like this was some sort of sage insight, "That sounds about right! Do you want to start with three piles? Intact things, things that are broken but could be repaired, and things that are badly damaged?"

Ben hummed in agreement, already sizing up the closest crate, "Fine with me, we can divide those into other categories after that, if it makes sense to." He looked at her briefly, "Rey?"

"Yes?"

"Are we… weird?"

  
  


* * *

  
  


"This feels surreal," Ben ventured a couple of hours later, breaking the silence.

Rey hummed in curiosity and took the opportunity to stand up from her seat on the floor, raising her arms to the ceiling and indulging in a full-body stretch. Oh, that was so very satisfying after having been still for so long. 

"The fact that we're actually here right now," Ben continued, while she paced around in small circles to stretch her legs, "I'm sitting on the floor of a resistance storeroom. With you. Sorting junk." He paused, turning a piece of said junk around aimlessly in his hands, quietly admitting, "It feels strange to be almost okay with that…"

Rey returned a gentle smile, "I suppose it doesn't feel entirely real, does it?" She surveyed her and Ben's work with a surprising feeling of satisfaction. 

They'd made excellent progress so far; having gotten through 6 of the largest containers. The largest pile was the "beyond repair" one, with the "broken but fixable" as the second. There wasn't too much that was in workable condition, but the pile was already larger than she'd expected it to be. Until just now, neither had said very much of anything, working in a companionable, comfortable, silence. The few words they had exchanged had mostly been brief conversations in regards to what could be done with certain items or if it was actually possible to fix them or not. Thinking about it, some of their "conversations" hadn't even been in words really. That was an aspect of their connection she was beginning to appreciate.

As for the salvage itself, she'd already known that Ben had some knowledge of mechanics as she did, but where her's was more geared towards parts for ships and vehicles- particularly how to rewire them- his skills seemed to favor more delicate and fine-tuned items, making it so there was very little here that between the two of them they couldn't identify and sort. She suspected Ben’s knowledge here was something else due in no small part to his father.

After all, being able to simply go in and out of a place without being noticed was an essential skill for a smuggler with a heart of gold, was it not?

Case in point, she heard Ben hum quietly to himself, turning a datapad around in his hands. Aside from some carbon scoring on one side and a crack snaking its way across the screen, it looked almost completely intact.

"It's an officer's," Ben commented when Rey leaned over him for a better look, "not bad off, might just be out of power..." with practiced ease he pried open the back covering with his nails and frowned at the chalky, crystalized residue surrounding the pea-sized power cell, "Oh, that's more than dead. Probably got decompressed, chemicals leaked out and now it's all corroded."

"Can we save it?"

"I think so. Doesn't look like it ate through anything. If we clean it out and put in a new cell I think it will turn back on. Like I said I think this was an officer's so there could be a lot of valuable information on it."

Rey grinned, "That's great! Maybe we'll be lucky and it will be facility blueprints or maybe the location of supply caches!"

Ben nodded, "We should let Tico know. If it's password-protected, tell me, I could probably remember what code it was using, if not I can probably  _ persuade _ it to let us in."

Rey's smile faltered, "But, don't we already have the codes? I mean, you talked to Poe, didn't you?"

"Dameron did not interrogate me, no."

"You mean  _ debrief _ ?"

Ben shrugged, "It is what it is Rey."

"But, I thought he would have wanted to talk to you by now. Even just to see how you were doing."

" **Rey** , I didn't talk to him at all, not a single time since I woke up here. No one else either. Just you, Tico, Finn, one scared security guard, and a medical drone. Dameron doesn't need to say anything, I know where I stand." His voice sounded flat, unbothered like he was reciting the week's weather, but there was still tension there.

Rey wilted a little, "That's not fair… he should have talked to you. I was already mad enough at him that he didn't tell you about the service for Master Leia."

"It's okay-" 

"No, it's not!" The young Jedi protested, "They act like you're a prisoner-"

"I am."

"You aren't  _ supposed  _ to be! How can you do anything to help? Or move forward at all? Even if you want to look at it in an entirely self-serving way, it's idiotic to just disregard a powerful asset!" She bit her lip, trying to keep her voice down, this wasn't the time or place to get angry, "...What's most important though is she was your  _ mother _ . No matter what, you should have had a chance to say goodbye."

"Rey," Ben reached up, gently taking her hand in his own and squeezed it before letting go, "It  _ is _ okay. When-," he faltered, "when my mother died, I felt her join the Force, there's nothing to say goodbye  _ to _ ."

"I know," Rey admitted, she'd felt it too. Sometimes, it felt as though the general was nearby, still watching over them. "but it was a celebration of her life, her work, her strength, who she was. You should have gotten to be part of that."

"It makes me happy to know you think that. I'm not sure I agree but that doesn't matter." Ben's smile didn’t quite reach his eyes, "I don't particularly favor large crowds and I'm sure I'd have to give some kind of speech. It would have been terrible. She would have manifested right in the middle of it all to tell me so."

Rey made a sound somewhere between a sigh and a laugh, "If you say so. I still stand by what I said. I don't care what you or anyone else thinks, you are  _ not  _ a prisoner, and keeping you from doing anything to help is foolish and doesn't benefit anyone. I'm going to keep insisting you get out of that terrible closet of a room and do actual-  _ things _ . Even if I have to rope Chewbacca into doing a jailbreak."

"I'm not sure he-" Ben began, but Rey cut him off.

"He does." She put her foot down, "Whatever you were going to say-  _ no _ . He's just as stubborn as you are but he can't hide from me how much he misses you. I know you both still need space to process, and that's completely fine, but I'm not going to let you tell yourself he hates you or never wants to see you again. Got that?!"

She took some satisfaction watching Ben flounder for words and the embarrassed flush to his cheeks when he finally managed, "Yes, I 'got that'." and turned away from her to get back to rummaging through the pile.

"Good!" She didn't even mind his obvious move to escape the conversation, let him have that, she'd won the rest of the debate as far as she was concerned, "Now I don't know about you but I could certainly go for some lunch." She jerked her head towards the door, "Come on, we can stretch our legs and find something to eat."

"Tempting," Ben admitted, "I wouldn't say no to food but," he fussed with a strip of scrap metal, "I'm sorry, I don't feel up to seeing other people right now."

"That's fine, I'll get you something then."

"You don't have to do that, I can eat later…"

The brunette rolled her eyes, Skywalker Drama™, it had to be genetic, "It's _fine_. You're not up to it and I'm going there anyway. It's hardly an inconvenience."

"I just don't want you to feel that you have to. People might think-"

"People can  _ think _ whatever they want," Rey snapped, "If it makes you feel better we'll say I'm paying you back for getting me breakfast last week. Is that better?"

Despite being thirty years old, Ben still managed to pout like an embarrassed teen, "I suppose…"

The Jedi snorted and gave him a friendly punch to the shoulder on her way out.

  
  


* * *

  
  


It wasn't long before Rey returned. In her arms, she carried two hearty sandwiches, two small packets of fried vegetable something or others, and two large canisters of water that she'd procured from the mess hall. A smile came to her lips when she stepped through the storage room door. Inside, Ben was still sorting through things, which was in no way a surprise, she'd had a feeling he wouldn't listen to her advice to take a break. No, what made her smile was the myriad of small items floating lazily in the air around him. 

While he hadn't exactly rejected the Force since waking up, Ben didn’t seem terribly eager to do anything more than basic exercises or communicate with her through their connection. The latter she suspected was primarily so he could avoid talking to anyone else… So for him to be doing this now? For no real reason other than he could? It eased her worries somewhat. Like with most other things, he probably needed time.

Maybe it was strange for her to find watching something so simple so fascinating, after all, she could easily do this and more, but the Force had always been something close to magic for her. As long as she could remember she'd adored stories about the Jedi, the tales about the courageous rebels and the legendary hero Luke Skywalker. Being able to use the Force herself had been like having a dear childhood wish granted.

When he'd been Kylo Ren, she'd only ever seen Ben use the Force in a violent and overwhelming manner, the sheer strength of it had been equal parts awe-inspiring and terrifying to face, like an ocean squall, threatening to swallow up everything around it. Now, he wielded it with the same deliberate accuracy but far more gently. Far more naturally. It felt like he was getting reacquainted with using it as an extension of himself and not an active enemy.

  
  
  


She made her way back over, watching him pick up a tiny bolt and, after a moment of inspection, toss it to the side where it slowed and floated off to join a swarm of identical ones orbiting one another. He glanced over his shoulder at her and Rey grinned, playfully tossing a container of water toward him. It slowed as she expected and bobbed along in a similar path with the other objects like a group of satellites lazily revolving around a star. She knelt just far enough away not to impede any of his little collection. She reached into the pile and chose first one small item and then another, tossing them towards him.

Ben "caught" each one rather than let it fall and eventually asked, "What are you doing?"

Rey shrugged, "Seeing how much you can hold."

"Why?"

"I don't know, because it's fun?"

Ben snorted, levitating the next item she tossed with ease, "Rey," he chided, "You know the Jedi don't believe in fun."

"Funny, then what would you call what you're doing? Entertaining yourself while working, sounds a lot like having fun to me."

"Alright, if that's how you want to be," Ben gave her a smug look, " _ I  _ am not a Jedi."

"Yes, you are!"

"No, I'm not. Technically my training was never completed, and my Master never promoted me."

Rey narrowed her eyes, "Then by that logic,  _ you're _ still a Padawan, and since  _ I  _ am a Jedi knight that means you have to defer to me and  _ I  _ say that Jedi are allowed to have fun!"

Ben turned his nose up petulantly, looking away to hide the smile that she'd already seen, "You're not my Master."

Rey chucked a sandwich at his head.

  
  


* * *

  
  


"So," the former scavenger asked sometime later, having just polished off the last of her meal, " _ were _ there any games you and the other students played? Or were you actually being serious about the "no fun"?"

"Yes and no," Ben hesitantly replied, "It's not that I was specifically banned from playing games or anything like that. Lu- My Master was very serious when it came to things like the history and traditions of the Jedi. So much of it was lost and he spent a lot of time trying to find relics and artifacts so the order could be rebuilt and almost every time he began a search he took me with him." 

Here he paused and Rey waited patiently for him to continue, the topic was more than a little tender, best not to prod too much.

"Over time I like to think I was just as serious, but at the start? I was only… I'd just turned ten years old, I think? It was difficult being told not to play around with the Force." A faint nostalgia filled his faraway gaze, "There were other children later and of course they liked to play. If any of the games we played involved the Force in any way though we were encouraged to treat them as lessons. We rarely did."

"You didn't really get in trouble for that did you?"

"That's a yes and no answer too," Ben shrugged at the admission, "we were never outright punished for anything, don't misunderstand. Most of the time it was just being told that the Force was not a toy and that we should be more mindful and serious about our training."

Rey nodded, "I see, that does sound terribly dull. I don't know, I feel like there would be little harm in creating games with the Force solely for fun. Some might need supervision but there are games like that already." She frowned, "Children need to be able to play, I think."

Ben chuckled, "Why does it feel like you would have caused an awful lot of trouble at the temple?"

"I  _ was _ a terribly troublesome child."

"So was I."

"Then we could have made trouble together!" Rey challenged with a wry smile.

"Maybe. Don't forget that we both may be adults now but I am almost a decade older than you. It would have been more babysitting than playing back then."

The young woman huffed, "I refuse to accept that. If I could find fun things to do on Jakku of all places then I absolutely could have convinced you to play with me, no matter how much older you were."

Ben stared at her like she'd grown at least one additional head, "Not to be rude but, what fun could you possibly have had on Jakku that wasn't an immediate hazard to your health?!"

Rey puffed up, "Plenty of things! There were other kids to play with sometimes. Mostly from off-world, traveling with trading convoys and the like. When I was by myself and didn't have any work to do, I drew pictures, I had some dolls I made- I would play pretend sometimes on the wrecks too!"

Ben began to say something, but stopped, a complex blend of emotions bleeding off of him.

"It's alright," Rey assured him with a playful laugh, "it was far from ideal, I'm not pretending it wasn't, but there were some kind people," She pondered, "Actually, one of the things I did enjoy was related to what we're doing right now," The former scavenger gestured to the mountainous pile, "Sometimes someone would come back with something too large for them to take apart on their own, or we'd all have a large enough haul that we'd need to sort through. When that happened it would turn into a gathering of sorts. We'd talk and the older folks would trade stories. Oh! Sometimes we'd sing!"

"Like what?"

"What would we sing?" Rey cleared her throat, fretting awkwardly, "probably nothing you'd enjoy. I talked with Rose before, about my favorites from when I was a child, she almost laughed herself out of her chair, called them “drinking songs”."

As she expected, Ben snorted in amusement, then, "Who said I wouldn't enjoy them?"

Oh, she hadn't expected that…

"But, I didn't think you'd have gone to places like that. Not until you were older and even then." Rey admitted.

"Not when I was older, no, between training and... everything else, there wasn't any time. Mostly it was when I was still a child."

"But your mother- Leia was a senator wasn't she? All high society and so on."

Ben smirked, resting his chin on his hand, "Oh you would be surprised." He lowered his voice conspiratorially, "I learned my first curse words from my mother. The songs I learned from my father and his "friends"."

" **No** ," Rey could feel a grin forming on her face, "She never would have let him, surely!"

"She didn't like it," Ben shrugged, "But her job was critical and kept her far too busy to spare time keeping me out of trouble," there was a touch of regret and disappointed acceptance in his words, "I spent most of my time with my father anyway. It was that or leave me with a nanny droid, and Whills know I got very good at escaping from them fairly early on and it wasn’t wise to leave me alone."

Rey laughed, trying to picture a tiny little Ben, all pudgy baby limbs and wild hair, sneaking past fussy droids to find his parents. She hoped it was as adorable as she imagined. "I still don't know that I entirely believe you. A bar or anywhere else Han might go for fun is absolutely  _ not  _ any place for a child."

"Pot to the kettle. I can prove it."

"How?"

"Name a song. I bet you I know it."

"Hmm… 1,000 bottles!"

Ben rolled his eyes, "Every person alive and dead knows that one." He raised an eyebrow, "It's also banned on the Falcon."

Rey stared at him until he explained.

"I sang it for  **hours** when I was first learning my numbers. I'd start again each time I got one wrong. Also, I thought you were supposed to start at 10,000."

Rey burst out laughing, "Oh heavens  _ why _ ?"

The young man grinned, "Because Lando Calrissian is an ass."

"Poor Chewy!" Rey giggled, "Alright then, how about The Silver Band?"

"Woman goes on a journey to the outer rim, she meets another woman who wears a silver band around her neck and falls desperately in love with her. She is then betrayed when the silver band steals something and pins it on her." Ben sighed with false drama, "Tragic."

"Ni Na La?"

"Basic and original."

"It's Not Yet Day?"

"That one is  _ almost _ banned on the Falcon."

Rey scowled, "Last of the Black Ale?" 

Ben smirked in a way that was quickly making her want to forcibly pull it off his face, "I think you mean last of the Ne'tra gal? I know that one too; in basic, Huties,  _ Shyriiwook _ ,  **and** traditional Mando’a." 

"Liar!" Rey accused, "You do  **not** speak Mandalorian!"

Ben looked surprised but quickly recovered, "No I don't but I  **do** know the song in it."

"Who did you learn that from?!"

"Another Padawan. His adopted father was a Mandalorian."

"That's amazing!" Rey gushed, disbelief replaced with excitement, "Teach me."

Ben balked, " _ Right now? _ "

"Why not? The doors are closed, it's just the two of us so you don't have to be embarrassed. Remember what I said earlier? About Jakku? You can teach it to me while we work." The young Jedi, leveled a challenging look at her companion, "Surely, that's not too difficult for you?"

To her delight a spark of competitiveness lit in Ben, "We'll see about that." His eyes narrowed, "remember, you asked for it."

  
  
  


Despite the slightly threatening declaration, it wasn't actually that bad. Ben was actually rather patient when it came to instruction. He spoke each line of the song, waited for Rey to repeat each word back, corrected the pronunciation, and repeated the line. 

He would make a good teacher someday. He would surely push his Padawan, but Rey had no doubt he would be just as fiercely supportive. Perhaps Ben wouldn't agree with her now, but she was confident that whenever that nebulous time arrived he would be willing to give it a chance. Lately, that wasn't something she wanted to think about too much. Reviving the Jedi… But she was enjoying herself so much that the thought came and went with little concern.

The lesson went on and they'd gone through a whole box of scrap by the time Ben felt Rey had the words right, down to the smallest inflection. It took a bit of teasing on her part but eventually, she convinced him that now that she knew the words she should try singing them and that the best way would be with accompaniment. 

Unless, of course, he no longer knew  _ how _ ?

Ben was just too easy to tease, or, perhaps, he was letting her goad him? 

Whatever the reason, Rey was entirely enjoying the distraction far too much and it was only a short time before she was able to harass him into actually  _ singing _ the song with her. To her delight, it turned out that her companion possessed a pleasant singing voice- if a little rusty from disuse. It was a lovely surprise. Perhaps in another life, Ben could have been a performer of some kind? The idea brought her more amusement than it probably should have. To that end she egged him on, launching into one of her favorites, a teasing somewhat playful ditty, which, now that she thought of it, probably hadn't been suitable for how young she'd been when she'd learned it. However, it did gift her now with the knowledge that when particularly embarrassed, Ben could blush all the way to his ears. She filed that away for another time.

I'm retaliation Ben launched them into a rendition of a just as inappropriate song and thus the whole thing devolved into an unspoken challenge as to who knew a song so bad that the other wouldn't sing it. In the back of her mind, Rey was thankful that it was only the two of them, she probably wouldn't ever live it down if anyone she knew heard her and the former terror of the First Order belting out the sort of things you'd hear from a washed-out smuggler, lamenting in a bar at the farthest reaches of the outer rim. 

Eventually, it all ended in a draw and the songs chosen were more playfully pleasant. Rey was treated to a rather beautiful rendition of Red is the Rose and returned the gift with an upbeat rendition of Its Not Yet Day, which Ben eagerly joined in on. 

It was nice, to have the pressing weight of the future lifted from her shoulders, even if for just this moment.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Rey was trying to get her most recent fit of giggles under control, unable to remember the last time she'd laughed so hard she'd ended up red in the face, with tears in her eyes, "You've got me wondering now," she finally gasped out, peering up at Ben's equally flushed face, "do the Jedi have songs?"

This caused Ben's quiet laughter to stumble and for a moment he went silent, face expressionless and eyes distant. 

Rey inwardly cringed. Wonderful, she'd gone and jammed her foot in it hadn't she?

These sorts of things were irrational, she'd been told that by the medic. Severe wounds, both of the body and the mind, could leave behind echoes of the trauma that caused them, and things related to them, however small and obscured could sometimes set them off. To be fine one moment and not the next, while not understanding the reason, like a faulty sensor in an alarm. She'd been trying her hardest to keep from doing that, to not push too hard but not act like Ben was some fragile thing that would fall apart at the slightest mention of the Jedi. But now she might have failed spectacularly. They'd been having such fun...

"Umm," Ben hummed, just as she was about to blurt out an apology, "I don't know actually" his brow furrowed in thought, "I- we didn't sing any at the... temple and the closest I've ever read about were poems, but those were ancient."

They both joked earlier about Jedi not believing in fun but did they truly not even  _ sing _ ? No, they certainly must have  _ sung _ songs, so many texts referred to the Force metaphorically as a song, but had they actually composed none of their own? There was something deeply saddening about that idea.

"That's a shame," Rey admitted, "I thought they might have. Seemed like a way to, I don't know, celebrate the Force?" Something like that.

She caught herself staring when Ben bit his lip in contemplation.

"Well…" he began, "I assume you don't mean songs that just mention or make reference to the Force? But more, are there any songs created  _ by _ Force users specifically  _ about  _ the Force itself?"

Rey nodded eagerly, "Yes, that's it exactly!"

Her companion hummed, "As I said, we didn't do anything like that at the temple. I never saw anything referencing that either. But, there's a great deal of knowledge about the Jedi that's still lost to us, and music probably wasn't a top priority when it came to preservation, so there could easily be several. I can't imagine that there was never a single Jedi who played an instrument or sang a song in relation to their path through the Force. I just never saw or heard one."

"Oh," Rey slumped a little, "That's too bad, I was hoping to hear one."

"I know," Ben looked thoughtful, "but there's not just the Jedi."

"Well yes, but that only leaves the dark side." and under no circumstances was she singing  _ anything _ that came from that, thank you very much!

Ben shook his head, "No, it doesn't!" He turned to face her better, "It may seem that way, the Jedi and the Sith are probably the largest groups on the whole but there are a great many others." 

Rey watched in surprised fascination as Ben grew more and more animated the longer he spoke. His previous discomfort was entirely forgotten.

"What's interesting is, most of them prefer to stay confined to only a single planet or at most a small system, both followers of the light and the dark. The Jedi and the Sith were two of the largest groups and certainly the most active as far as deliberately affecting the galaxy goes, and each of them had numerous smaller sub-sects. But it’s never been just them. There are so many other groups! There are even cases where an entire species is Force-sensitive and they just have it with them as part of their daily lives! No light or dark, all just somewhere in the middle-!" Ben coughed awkwardly, his face flushing in embarrassment as he reigned himself back in.

That was too bad, Rey thought, he was rather adorable when he was that excited about something.

"Those last ones are uh," he continued awkwardly, "the ones that have a lot of songs."

"Does that mean you've heard some?" She pressed eagerly.

"Yes," Ben confirmed, "But, umm…"

"Do you know one?" Rey pressed, "Could I hear it, Ben? Please?" 

She didn't miss the mild flush in his cheeks.

"Give me a moment, see if I remember any..." He went quiet and after a few moments he slowly started tapping a rhythm against his thigh, "I think maybe I have one? I heard it over... it must have been nearly two decades ago? Probably. It's amazing that I even remember it..." The red in his cheeks was stronger and it was a near repeat of the start of their impromptu round of drinking songs, "Fair warning, this isn't in standard, I don't know what language it  _ is  _ in... I don't think I can translate it either."

Rey shrugged, "That's alright. We can always try to figure it out later." She leaned in with excitement, "I just want to hear it!"

"Well, hopefully, I won't mangle it too badly…"

Ben looked away shyly and Rey tried not to feel disappointed that his bout of excitement really was over for now. She chided herself, she'd just been thinking how Ben needed time to adjust, as anyone else would. He had been closed off so long for what he felt was a good reason. He'd only recently been thrown from the safety of the prison he'd built around himself, as well. That he was making the effort now, however slow, was something she would just have to live with.

To her relief, however, after a short silence, she heard Ben start to hum softly altering the tapping of his fingers to match the beat. He murmured something repeatedly under his breath. She sensed he was trying to remember the exact words. Abruptly it was like something clicked and he began to sing again in that oddly rough yet gentle cadence. He was right, the words weren't in basic and not any other of the many languages she knew at least part of. 

Yet…

...as he continued she found she  _ could _ understand it! The language hadn't changed but it was starting to make sense in her head. The song he was singing seemed to be structured as a call and response. Was it meant to be sung by two people? No. Not just two people. There were two distinct parts but the song as a whole was meant to be sung by many people. The subject was… some kind of festival maybe? One side was calling to the other, saying fires were lit, the other side was calling back an invitation to Whill folk and... Shadow's kin? Rey found herself leaning in closer, from the corner of her eye she thought she’d seen- movement? Shadows? Yes, but no, not just shadows, light too. A phantom breeze ghosted across her skin. 

Without even thinking Rey reached over and put her hand on top of Ben's. He faltered in his song for the briefest of moments, expression shifting to surprise then understanding. 

While still occasionally jarring, Rey had become used to sensing people's emotions over the past year. Ben was different. Just as the first time they'd touched, whenever she made physical contact with him it was like a spark, a jolt, like broken parts being reconnected. She felt him so much clearer when they were in physical contact and his mind was far more open and welcoming than any other she'd sensed. If asked she would compare Ben to water, a thing that before she'd only known as a scarce and precious resource. After leaving Jakku, she'd seen so much of it in so many forms, and that was how he felt to her. The first time their minds had touched he'd reminded her of the waves of Ach-To's ocean during the first storm she'd ever experienced. Loud and raging, surging higher than she'd ever thought a wave could go- like the sea might swallow the whole island- rising to their peeks and dashing themselves violently on the rocks and cliffs. It was equal parts frightening and breathtaking. Deeper still it had been like a mournful frigid rain, drawing away all the warmth you might ever feel. A reflection of her own deep sorrows. Now, with his identity reclaimed, he reminded her of the smooth lake she'd seen on Maz's planet. Still and calm on the surface, with rapid active currents hidden beneath the unassuming facade.

Ben turned his hand over to loosely entwine with hers and the shapes of shadow and light became clearer. Things suddenly felt so obvious, like she'd always known everything about this special song. It was meant to be sung in the evening, twilight, the border of light and dark, on a day where the growing season and harvest season would soon bow to the cold season. It was a celebration of all things. Of gains and losses, good and bad; life, into death, into life, and so on. A reminder of the joy of being able to experience the universe in the time that they had.

The lyrics flowed easily to her mind and Rey found herself chiming in, taking up the role of calling out to Ben's answering replies. His sudden shy smile only egged her on, and before she knew it, she was pulling him to his feet. To her surprise, Ben laughed a short, sharp, joyful thing, and followed her into their impromptu dance. 

The figures of light and shadow around them gained more focus. They were humanoid, about the same breadth but nearly twice as tall and with digitigrade legs. That was all Rey could be certain of as far as their forms went. She thought perhaps they wore paint? There were also suggestions of hides, bones, feathers, and plants. They might also be wearing masks? The figures were as detailed as they were vague to the point where she didn't know if they were in costume or if this was just how they looked.

Right now that felt hardly relevant. 

Their singing was quickly reaching the volume of their previous clamor as they followed the energetic pace of a dance that they'd both never done but still knew the steps to. Circles, a great circle than smaller circles, around one another but never letting go of their clasped hands. She pulled away and he followed. He made a quick spin and she let herself be lifted off her feet by the momentum, laughing with delight. Back and forth, together and apart, always moving never still. The Force seemed to sing around them as they kicked up dazzling red leaves with their towering companions.

There was so much joy in this. She could feel it thrumming through her connection to Ben. This was the sort of thing she'd been hoping for, what she'd been eager to experience since discovering that the Force  _ was  _ real. An opportunity to just feel it, to be with it without the reason being for combat. Not to view it clinically but organically.

And she could. All around them. Connecting her to everything and everyone, all that had been or would be. Her tie to Ben was the strongest, she as much him as he was her. 

Did he feel it too? He must. 

She wanted so badly to know more about him, about this. What did it mean to be a Dyad? what would their lives be now? The future loomed with so many unanswered questions.

There would be time. He wasn't ready to share certain things yet and she had to accept that. There were things she wasn't ready to talk about yet either. Eventually, they would. It would be alright.

As the song reached its final refrain their voices were joined by countless others to call out one last time. 

Then there was silence.

The two of them stood there and slowly Rey registered the state they were in. Ben stood across from her, their hands still clasped between them. She noted his heavy, shallow, breathing, the red flush to his face, the faint sheen of sweat on his skin; knowing full well she must look similar. Her heart thundered in her chest, and her body felt drained from the exertion, but she felt wonderful, actually. She grinned stupidity at her partner and was delighted when it was reflected.

They stared at each other a moment as they caught their breaths. Ben's eyes flicked down to his feet briefly and his gaze again became distant for a second or two before he looked back up at her. The air of smallness about him came back and he licked his lips and inhaled softly in preparation to speak.

  
  


"Umm?!"

Rey jumped a little, head snapping towards the door.

In the wide doorway stood Finn, staring at them like he'd witnessed something insane. "What-" he gestured frantically, "what were you  _ doing _ in here?!"

"What?!" Rey blurted stupidly. Why did he look so alarmed? They'd only been- 

She froze as something flitted past out of the corner of her eye. She whipped her head around and stared at the brilliantly red leaf that drifted past her to the floor. Her gaze jerked up and she saw three or four more making their slow tumbling descent from the high ceiling, their origin unknown. Nervously she turned her gaze down at the floor. Around her and Ben, for about two feet, the metal was clean and clear, past that, in a wide almost perfect circle was a pile of the same beautifully crimson leaves nearly a foot high.

Oh.

That was…okay, yeah, that probably looked...very weird. It  _ was  _ very weird.

While she was still in the process of accepting the fact that the two of them had- done whatever this was… She felt Ben stiffen beside her and before she could tell him otherwise he'd let go of her hand and taken a large step back, putting a healthy distance between them. She caught a stray whisper of feeling, embarrassment, and... guilt? Why? He hadn't done anything wrong. 

"Finn what are you  _ doing _ ?!"

Rey's attention was brought back to her friend when he jumped in alarm and Rose popped into view from behind him. She looked rather miffed at first but then the mechanic's dark eyebrows shot up in surprise at the scene before her. It was followed quickly by a sly, knowing, smile that made Rey feel unreasonably exposed. 

Her other friend playfully smacked Finn's arm, "Don't spy on people it's rude!"

"I wasn't!" Finn sputtered, "You said we were checking in on them!"

Rose rolled her eyes, "You practically ran the whole way here,  _ I _ walked, like a normal person. I also told you not to just barge in and to wait until they were done."

"Done?" Rey cut in, if Rose meant with the sorting that didn't make any sense. She'd said herself that it would likely take most of the day, they were nowhere  _ near  _ being done.

That sly look was back again and Rey decided she was not a fan of whatever mischief it represented.

"Oh, nothing really," Rose sing-songed, "I knew you'd both enjoy having something to do, I just didn't know you'd have _this much_ _fun_!"

Rey laughed uneasily, feeling terribly unsettled suddenly, like she'd been caught doing something she was not supposed to be doing, "Ah, well," she gestured to the foliage sheepishly, "This was not on purpose. We will clean it up though! Don't worry!"

"Oh, that's not what I meant, but I'm glad to hear that you'll be taking care of it!" Rose chirped. She glanced at the pile, "I wonder who decided to crate these…? They're very pretty but why bring them here?"

Finn frowned, "I still don't understand how I'm bothering them…" he grumbled, "They're just putting things away."

Rose huffed, "You just don't get it. People like having privacy. Sometimes two people would prefer to have a bit of warning before they're  _ interrupted _ ."

"Tico!" Ben squawked embarrassment tight in his voice.

"Oh, you meant the singing?" Finn asked, tilting his head slightly in confusion, "I guess that was a bit unexpected. Do people do that? ...Do they not do that? I mean, I don’t do that..." His brow furrowed, "Wait, were we not supposed to hear them?"

A cold dread wormed its way up Rey's spine and she turned when she realized it was coming from Ben. He starred in silent mortification at Finn and Rose, his face unnaturally pale.

"You heard us?" Rey ventured nervously.

"Yeah," Finn nodded, ignorant of the mounting horror building in the room's original occupants, "you had a bit of an audience when we got here, Rose made them leave, and- Oww!!" He yelped when the other woman swatted him.

"I told you not to say anything!" the mechanic hissed, "you're  _ embarrassing  _ them!"

Rey didn't know just how red her face was, but she could feel it burning. She'd never cared before if anyone had heard her, after all, plenty of people had on Jakku, so why did she feel so self-conscious? And her singing voice was fine! Probably…

Not for the first time since leaving that awful, sandy planet, she felt like perhaps she was the strange one…

Behind her, Ben was covering his face with his hands, the skin that peaked through his fingers was absolutely scarlet, and he was making a continuous, low, despairing, groan.

_ It can't be that bad,  _ she tried to assure him,  _ just a bit embarrassing… _

_ Just a bit…?  _ Ben's reply carried with it a desperate plea to just vanish into the floor.

Oh, who was she kidding?  _ …We can never show our faces in public again. _

_ Never. _

_ I suppose we have to go and live in exile on Ach-To now? _

Ben made a confused sound that might have been a laugh if you squinted hard enough.

Rose, ever observant in a way that was almost Jedi-like took mercy on them, “Come on Finn,” she laughed, “Let’s go find these two some brooms, they’ll be needing them.”

Finn blinked at her, looking from Ben to Rey then back at Rose, “I never know what’s happening…” He grumbled under his breath, turning to follow the mechanic out.

Rey sighed, looking back at the ring of leaves. What were these? Rather, where had they come from? She knelt, picking one up from the floor and rotating it slowly between her fingers. It seemed like a regular leaf you’d find on any plant, she didn’t sense anything out of the ordinary at all…

“Did the song do this?” she asked quietly when Ben finally pulled himself back together and came to join her, “Was this supposed to happen?”

“I don’t know…” Her companion admitted, “It doesn’t feel like anything is wrong here, though. If anything the Force feels, clearer?”

Rey nodded, “It does…” She eyed the leaves, “I think I’ll save some of these. Maybe I can find out where they’re from? Maybe that will give us some insight as to what it is we did? If nothing else maybe we could ask the locals?”

Ben hesitated before replying, “It would give us something to go on at least. It wasn’t malicious, whatever it was, but it would be nice to know what we even did...” a touch of red returned to his cheeks, “Until then, we probably shouldn’t sing that again. Or maybe anything, for a while.”

“Yeah…”

  
  


* * *

  
  


…

…

…

!

  
  


Rey woke so abruptly that it didn't register that she was even awake at first. Before her eyes had been open for more than a moment she was already on her feet and out the door of her modest quarters, rushing frantically down the hall.

Her dream still plagued her mind's eye. Smoke. Fire. People were crying, calling for help, so few compared to how many she knew should there. None of them would survive.

_ No! _

A voice, so much younger but still so familiar.

_ I didn't want this! _

She pushed the hellish visions away the best she could when she nearly tripped over a startled cleaning droid, too frazzled to even toss the poor thing an apology. The lateness of the hour was probably the only reason she hadn't slammed into another person, looking like a mad, wild, thing, barefoot, and clad only in her nightclothes.

Skidding to a stop on the cold metal floor, she flung the door in front of her open with the Force-, not even thinking of the keypad- leaving it crumpled and sparkling pathetically, likely useless now. The distance between her and the figure suffering in the small bunk in the corner was cleared in less than a second. It was only when Ben thrashed awake, raising an arm to block some phantom assailant did Rey realize what she was doing.

A nightmare.

_ He'd _ been the one having a nightmare, it had woken her and she'd run the whole way here in a panic without even thinking twice about it. 

That was something to meditate on later...

Now that he was awake, Rey could feel the remains of the dream dissolving away in the back of her mind. The emotional turmoil left behind was still crisp and burning. Fear, potent and sharp, razor edge coated in anger, and a storm of guilt and grief so strong it made her stomach roll. 

Wordlessly Rey sat beside him, bypassing Ben's guarded posture and gently wrapping her arms around his shoulders. He tensed in her embrace at first, but soon she felt him hesitantly return it, slowly his grip became more sure, and then he was clutching her tightly like she was the only thing anchoring him to the here and now. She returned the hold just as fiercely with his wordless permission. It was a flaw at times, her intense want to fix a problem when she saw it, how it ate at her to see suffering and be unable to do anything about it. It was especially hard when it butted up against the hard-learned lesson that people could not be forced to accept the help she so wanted to give. With those she cared for, the want was even worse. Her training had helped temper it to something useful, but even still it could hurt just as much as it gave her the drive to push on through the impossible.

She rested her head reassuringly against his, her hand settling against the back of his neck while she whispered likely meaningless platitudes against his sweat-damp hair. She kept at it until the worst of his shaking had subsided, only then did she venture to quietly ask, "Show me?"

Ben's hands clenched tightly in the fabric of her sleep shirt and he shook his head against her shoulder. 

Perhaps that should have been the time to back off, but the surge of emotion that radiated out from him at her request sent hot tears spilling down her cheeks with a suddenness that shook her. No doubt a reflection of his own silent weeping. It was more than enough to make her ask again.

"Please?" She pressed, she didn't need to ask what the dream had been about, even if she hadn't seen, she'd have known, "I want to understand. You don't have to do this alone."

Reluctantly, Ben released his hold and pulled away from her, rubbing the tears from his eyes and cheeks with the back of his hand. Rey was relieved when his hands quickly returned to rest on her forearms. He avoided her gaze and she didn't need the Force to tell he was mulling over her difficult request.

Ben visibly swallowed, "This-" he struggled for words, "I feel so useless. I hate that I want to say yes. You shouldn't be burdened by my mistakes." His attempt at a smile didn't reach his eyes, "They're only dreams, I just have to get over them."

His admission made Rey's heart hurt. She understood feeling lonely, afraid, abandoned, and angry. But her grief was different, and it didn't carry near the same crushing amount of guilt and regret. That was why she so desperately wanted to understand! If she could then she would be able to offer more than just patience and kind words…

"Don't say that," Rey pleaded, "Even if they're only dreams it still matters. And you are not useless," she challenged, "especially not if you're asking for help. Besides, is it really a burden if I want to share it?" 

"I suppose not," Ben reluctantly agreed, after a long moment "but I still don't- It was awful Rey, what I did…"

"All the more reason not to try to endure it alone."

"But I don't deserve-"

"Don't you even finish that thought!" Rey cut him off, her glare stern and unwavering, "That's an awful thing to say about anyone, especially yourself. I don't put my foot down on much but I'm certainly putting it down on that!"

Ben laughed, a wet, slightly choked, thing, and Rey savored that victory, however small.

"You're pretty spectacular, you know that?" He tried to tease, pulling himself up to sit cross-legged, "You win. Even if I don't like it, you are right."

Unable to help a bit of snark Rey offered him a playful smile as she moved to mirror him, "Of course I am!"

The eye-roll she received was as much a precious victory as the laugh had been.

His hands came up to entwine with hers and she closed her eyes when his mind tentatively reached out to her's. She reached back quickly, trying to project as much comfort and support as she could. This wound was deep and if she was going to purposefully prod it then that was the very least she could do.

  
  


* * *

  
  


The dream resurfaced immediately. Rocky and violent. Smoke, so thick she could barely see, choked her lungs and stung her eyes. The earth around her was barren, dry, cracked, and dead. Embers, from towering, unseen, fires, singed her skin, while lightning ripped apart the sky and shattered the ground. The sick, sweet, smell of something, unthinkably horrible, burning, charring, assaulted her nose and made her want to gag. Something stalked, obscured, given away only by a flash of sickly, burning, green light- here to harm, here to punish. On all sides unseen numbers of people cried out to her, some for help, some to condemn. Beside her, at the center of this hell, Ben stood, his hand gripped tightly in her own, stone-faced and unblinking, refuting and denying none of the barbs hurled at him. 

This wasn't right. This wasn't justice, this was vengeance. The dead would not gain peace from this; she knew he knew that, but on some level, he must still think that it would satisfy. Or maybe even that he himself could not accept change or move forward until he'd been rightfully punished? But from the way this all seemed, no punishment would ever be enough for him to feel that he had paid.

She had wanted to see, to understand, and now she did, but there was more to this, wasn't there? She could sense it, however, faint, however far away, echoing in the Force. Something wanted to be seen. To be known. She focused her attention on Ben, he must feel it too, she felt with certainty he could guide them there. He finally tore his eyes away from the dream and locked them with hers. 

They must go but to where?

The dream warped, becoming clearer, less the easily molded substance of the unconscious and more the hazy certainty of memory. For a moment the eyes she looked out of were not her own. A sparse room, flashes of a figure looming, threatening, blazing with green. Why would you do this? Why why  _ why _ ?!

The memory hurt deeply, it didn't feel like the end of the fall, but it did feel like the moment before impact. They were closer, but this wasn't quite it. Memories were biased, no matter how hard you might try. Though it was harrowing they were the swiftest and most sure way to a clear vision of the past, to where it seemed, the Force was bidding they go.

  
  
  


They were in a room. A hut. Smooth plastered walls, simple thatch ceiling. No transition, they were just simply there. 

Rey's eyes were drawn almost immediately to the figure sleeping on a thin mat mere inches from where she stood.

Ben Solo, currently around sixteen years of age. Even this much younger he was already so tall, it felt like he barely fit in the room at all. This place must have been solely for resting and not much else, there was so little here besides its occupant.

"This is it…" Ben said from beside her, his voice was quiet, giving the odd impression that he thought he might accidentally wake his younger self if he was too loud. He was avoiding looking at the younger man, instead, his eyes lingered on the few meager possessions the room contained, some plainclothes, books, what looked like a travel bag. A faint wave of longing rolled off of him when his eyes landed on some papers and writing materials but it was quickly quashed when they brushed over the hilt of the saber resting beside them.

Rey squeezed his hand, trying to convey her desire to support. Even here, in what was happening ostensibly solely in their minds, he looked tired. How long had he been having nightmares like the one that had woken her? His hand trembled slightly in her own when he squeezed back and she wondered if perhaps they had ever stopped…

  
  


It wasn't just his present self. Despite the calm relaxed expression on the younger Ben's face, his presence in the Force was anything but. 

If she could compare Ben now to a calm lake whose surface belied racing eddies beneath, or Kylo Ren, a frozen, dark, sea, broken and frostbitten, left to the mercy of violent storms. This was both... and neither; a churning raging storm, flashing hot and cold, becoming septic. The more Rey focused on the seeping darkness thrashing inside the boy, the closer she came to a concerning truth. This was not the violent struggle of something trying to break free, a bid not to give in to the darkness within oneself. No… this felt like a  _ fight _ . A siege against the young man's defenses, breaking him down little by little, and from what she felt, this young Ben was dangerously close to losing... 

"How did this happen?" She asked already knowing her Ben had no answer, "It's like he- you, are being torn apart from the inside… how did Master Luke not see..?"

  
  


Wait...

  
  


Rey squinted her eyes as though it would let her see the brief flash she'd just sensed. It was like a wisp of vapor or the flitting of a shadow just outside one's vision. Something was wrong here, more so than before.

Ben's hand clenched around her's, his gaze had followed, no doubt he had sensed it too "I don't understand…" 

Every time the sleeping boy started to settle she'd sense the presence again and his emotions would once more become rocky and disoriented, a smoldering fire prodded with a stick. 

It abruptly brought to mind an insect back on Jakku. A Jag-Wasp. A palm-sized, winged, stinging thing that liked to prey on small animals. It would swoop down and sting them, sending the creature into convulsions and delirium until it passed out, after which the wasp would lay its eggs in the small puncture, and its prey would wake up later none the wiser, oblivious to the impending death they carried within them. She'd been taught to avoid them early on, the lesson hammered home when she'd witnessed the result of inattentiveness first hand...

The comparison made her feel ill.

  
  


Time, being what it was, would wait for no one, and before Rey could search any further for this foreign presence the door to the hut cracked open.

Ben, her Ben, present Ben, tensed when a black-clad figure entered the room. 

Poorly suppressed fear lanced across their bond. Even with how much had happened and how much time had passed, Ben's reaction to his uncle was still so visceral.

Rey had seen this scene before, once even through Ben's own eyes, but that didn't make it any easier to watch the tragedy unfold and be unable to stop it. She tried to ignore her own feelings of helplessness as Master Luke stood over his sleeping nephew, sensing that same cacophony they had. In a moment he would almost give in to his own fear, nearly acting on the impulse to murder his pupil. His own family.

Again she asked the audient void,  _ how did this happen _ ? How could it be so that a young man had had such misery inside of him and his own family not see it? What had made Ben hide it? What had made his own uncle so blind to it? Further, if he had begun to suspect, why wait this long? Why was there no other option? 

_ Look _ , the Force seemed to whisper.  _ Watch. See. _

The same elusive presence seized her attention again. It seemed to dart (she thought of the wasp) binding about her former teacher like sinister fingers that covered the eyes.

The vibrant green of a lightsaber burned through the room.

"Master don't!" Ben cried out and it was only Rey's tight hold on his hand that kept him from rushing to try and halt the inexorable.

The younger Ben jerked awake, freezing immediately under the searing light of his uncle's saber.

Time seemed to slow, the pounding of her own heart in her ears nearly drowning out present Ben's whispered pleading for this to not happen again.

She did not miss how the phantom shadow suddenly flitted away and reason returned to Luke's eyes. The horror of what he had nearly done had stayed his hand but young Ben read the pause as his only chance at survival; blue met green with a horrible crack of energy.

Luke roared denials but his student was clearly not willing to believe them. Even though she already knew it would happen, Rey was still shaken by the raw strength of the boy when he brought the building crashing down around them. 

  
  


Their perspective was abruptly shifted and they were now watching everything continue to unfold a few feet away from the pile of fresh rubble. 

As the dust settled, the fledgling Jedi stumbled from the wreckage, falling to his knees only a few steps away.

This part was not something Rey had seen before and her heart broke for him all over again. 

"Why…?" The boy whispered, "Why?!" His voice grew louder, "Why did you do it?!"

Rey felt the Wasp again, a sick freezing feeling, settling on the back of young Ben's neck in a revolting mockery of comfort. Young Solo's hands clawed and gripped his hair and he screamed, raw and horrible, his voice cracking under the strain as he cried, body wracking with grief at what he believed he'd done. 

Beside her, she could hear Ben's breath hitching while he struggled to repress his own remembered anguish from this moment. All Rey could think to do was press herself close to his side, eyes not leaving the awful scene before her, lest she miss whatever it was the Force wanted so badly to show them.

Still, guilt rose in her stomach at making Ben relive this moment when he was clearly not ready to confront it. She'd been reminding herself constantly not to push too hard, but once again she felt like perhaps she'd gone and done it anyway. She'd thought, if she could share the nightmare, maybe it wouldn't hurt him so badly. She hadn't anticipated all this… Still, the Force did not call out by accident, whatever this was, it was meant to be seen, and seen now.

The chill in the air grew worse, so much so in fact that it shook young Ben from his sobbing. Rey followed his startled gaze to the sky above the Jedi temple. To her horror, she saw that it was no longer the cool black of a clear night but instead unnatural red clouds were gathering above the structure's highest dome. The air grew thick and eerily still. 

The boy surged to his feet, running towards the building!

He did not get more than a scant few steps before the titanic bolt of lightning struck.

  
  


The sound was deafening.

  
  


The temple shattered to pieces, the force of the destruction tossing the boy back and sending him sprawling.

Rey's own legs gave out, and present Ben steadied her as best he could. So much life, so many different melodies within the force, all silent. 

"No," the Ben of the past repeated, over and over, like a mantra that might undo this horror. He shook, staring at the nearly unrecognizable bodies sprawled in the rubble.

The boy forced himself back to his feet and ran for the wreckage. He would find no one to save. They had all perished when the first strike had hit. He was almost there when, as though to punish him for even daring to try, a second bolt, even larger than the first hit, and he was cast away, bouncing like a rag doll along the unforgiving, dry, earth. 

"I-" the boy choked against the dirt, pushing up to his hands and knees, staring into the flames, "- never." He gasped for air, panic setting in, "I didn't want this."

_ And you did not choose it, Ben. _

Rey's blood froze in her veins. She knew that voice. That monster, he'd already been speaking to Ben! From where? How far?!

_ The JEDI did.  _ Snoke continued,  _ Skywalker. _

Past Ben shook, he felt so cold to her, like a sheet of ice was starting to form over turbulent waters… 

  
  


"It was him…" 

Rey turned to present Ben, who had finally torn himself from the awful scene.

"All these years," 

She could see him digging his nails into his palm and the hand that gripped her’s was just shy of being too painful.

"I thought I'd done it. That I’d lost control of my emotions and killed them all…" tears continued to create tracks along his cheeks as he mourned everyone he'd lost all over again, "It's so much worse than that."

"Ben, no," Rey insisted.

"Yes!" he insisted back, "It wasn't inexperience or a moment of weakness or an accident! It was him! **_I_** let him in! He told me all the lies I wanted to hear, he went through me to blind my family, and I didn't question it! **_I_** let him use me to kill them all!" 

"Ben!" Rey urgently took his cheek in her free hand, making him look at her, really look at her, "Don't go that way. The Force doesn't punish people. That's not why we were shown this."

"Why else then?" Her grief-stricken companion challenged, "It doesn't make me innocent. I still fell to the dark side, I still caused so much death. Just because that puppet was deceiving me before I realized he was doesn't make me forgiven."

"I know that! But, all this time, you thought Master Luke had intended to kill you,"

Ben flinched but she pressed on.

"Now you've seen the truth, that he was being toyed with too. Blinded to what was happening. Snoke- Palpatine, knew better than to allow the person who saved  **Darth Vader** a chance to save you." Rey looked at him pleadingly, "Doesn't that change  _ something _ ?"

Ben looked away for a moment, watching a small group of Jedi confronting his past self. Helplessly he asked, "But what do I do, now that I know?"

"I- don't know," Rey reluctantly confessed, "Master Luke wasn't perfect, as much as we, or even he, wanted him to be. When I first met him, I admit, I was disappointed. I realized later that he was acting the way he did because he was suffering like you were, he blamed himself for everything that happened and thought that his isolation would fix it."

"But it didn't! I kept hurting more and more people. I hurt  _ you, _ Rey! I was still a monster! He should have stopped me! He should have-"

"Ben, stop! Don’t say that! Yes, you did do those things. I'm not trying to debate that and I'm certainly not trying to pretend that just because you were manipulated it negates all your wrongs!" Rey drew a breath to center herself, "I'm trying to say that it is your  _ responsibility _ but it is not your _ fault _ . Master Luke's guilt was holding him back, it kept him from moving forward. Don't you think yours might be too?" 

Ben stared at her in the way he sometimes did, like he couldn't believe she was actually real. Rey fought back embarrassment and kept her resolute expression.

"I don't know how to even start…" 

Sternness melted into sympathy, "I know. Neither do I if I'm honest. I know who might though, you should try talking to Master Luke. Even if he can't directly appear, I  _ know _ he'll listen."

Ben looked away from her again, this time to a ship taking off in the distance, "That's me up there," he told her. Even though it was an abrupt shift in topic, it still felt like he was trying to give her an answer, "I didn't know what to do when the others confronted me. They wouldn't listen to me and I was too upset to listen to them. So I ran. I thought about going home but… I was afraid.  _ I still am _ ," He looked back at her, swallowing hard, "I- want to try to stay this time."

Rey couldn't have kept the beaming smile from her face if she'd wanted to. She threw her arms around him and hugged him for all that she was worth, and as the vision began to dissolve around them it felt like finally,  _ finally, _ things might begin to move forward.

  
  
  


**TBC**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Silly Rey! Just because we will finally start moving forward doesn't mean the angst is over! 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. As always let me know if there are any mistakes that I missed or tags that I should add!
> 
> Your feedback is super helpful and gives me creative fuel so I would love to know what you thought! Also, if you want to check out my artwork or even just say hello, feel free to stop by my art tumblr! Here--> http://cc-sketchbook.tumblr.com or my twitter --> @chaos_child
> 
> See you guys next time! ~ Much love, CC

**Author's Note:**

> It has begun! I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. As always let me know if there are any mistakes that I missed or tags that I should add!
> 
> Your feedback is super helpful and gives me creative fuel so I would love to know what you thought! Also, if you want to check out my artwork or even just say hello, feel free to stop by my art tumblr! Here--> http://cc-sketchbook.tumblr.com
> 
> See you guys next time! ~ Much love, CC


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